If i could speak every language that has ever exsisted, i wish i could find the right combination of words to bring her back

It has been a little over three years. I was in depression most of my life but thought that was how life was supposed to be. Until i met her. She was the light that pulled me out of the darkness, out of the lonliness. After dating for over a year i lost her. It has been 3 tears. I still dream about her. I still think about her constantly. I love her so much i cant look at other women. My family are just people i occasionally talk to. Love does not exsist in my life, or in my heart. I gave that to her and never asked for it back. She means everything to me. The day she gets married is the day i pull the trigger. I am a third rate architect, a shitty friend, and a worthless human being. if i was gone at least there would be more air for other people.

i hate the saying suicide is a selfish act. No, it isnt. It is selfish for people to try and keep someone here that gets anxiety just by breathing. the world doesnt revolve around you. If someone wants to die let them. That is their choice, not yours. Sometimes suicide is the best option. People tell me im creative, and i agree, because i cant go more than 5 minutes without thinking of a new way to end my life. Even the painful ways start to sound more appealing after a while. It wouldnt take much. We are so damn fragile as people. A balcony here, a gun there, a knife,  car, bleach, anything will do. There Re so many different ways…. The question is which way do i want to use.

The suicide note is easy. I have written so many i lost track. People tell me that the crying is the worst part, and not saying good bye is bad. There is only one person i want to say goodbye to, and she has blocked me from her life. so i will leave this world, met whatever god there is, And ask him why he made us. Im not atheist, i know there is a god, he just likes to fuck with us for his amusement, and i want to know why, before he sends me down to hell to burn forever. But im already in hell. It honestly cant get any worse than this.