bullies in the army. Some shitbags making fun of Abagis for being gay, he was accepted by us back at basic training. For him to slit his wrists and be chaptered out for his suicide attempts. I want to hurt those bastards for that yet i take no action against my bullies on the homefront in the army. I should just fight back full fledged (starts out with shit talking then gets physical and i punch back and they kick harder and suddenly theyre beating on me in formations. I guess i should be the one beating on them. The. It’ll be fights behind closed doors. Then maybe I’ll get some sort of respect. Earn their respect by breaking one of them. Scare them straight. Just like Ender Wiggin (possibly not enough to kill them but you know).
Now some important things to talk about is
I’ve been depressed since i was about 13, skip the minute details like why i became so and such and then 5 years later I’m 18 join the army and find pride in myself after finishing boot camp and finally rid of that mental plague called depression. Now I’m different, but the old me. I miss it. I miss being depressed miserable (could be self-destructive nature) I miss mostly the dark thoughts I long for them. I feel awkward kind of like with birthday parties, when everyone chants that stupid birthday song (dad is a jehovahs witness we never celebrate bdays or holidays but my mom dicorced my dad and now she tries to get me a bday party and celebrate things) but i just leave the room cuz i feel awkard out of place. Imagine living as a completely different person, depression gone it just feels weird awkward. Thats what I’m dealing with now.
I’ve become accustomed to the darkness. When i went to boot camp i loved being in the corner of the room, i have the opposite of claustrophobia i like small spaces, corners. I hate open areas. Sometimes i look at the sky and imagine gravity disappearing and just falling into space into the vacuum.
I kind of want to quit the army
I don’t wanna do so through dishonorable discharge or else jobs will be impossible to get but i wont follow through with it and i know im gonna either have to lose the depression completely or embrace it. Since trying to stay mostly sane for the next 3 years 29 weeks is nearly impossible.
And i love being fit, as a soldier, feeling more attractive, self esteem higher but shit i miss my old mindset. I don’t know what to do and imagine getting PTSD? Thats would be a bit hectic
time to refresh my mind, maybe its time to go back to pretending to have two seperate personalities. Rogue and Nate
Dark/depressed vs. Dumb and Happy
I miss self-harming.
After midnight up to 3:10am seems to be my witching hour where my thoughts are most rampant. I’m harmless to be honest. Never been in a fight. I’ve dealt with bullies all my life letting them hurt me and now I’ve found my own bullies in the army and i try not to start trouble
Not like the old me. Kind of like a disease my body is mentally rejecting.
I kind of confused myself so much on the concept of emotions and mental disorders that i dont understand myself anymore. And plus self-asphyxiation kind of has me feeling dumb too so its hard to think straight and shit