I’ve been thinking of suicide frequently ever since junior high, Â and I’ve also been thinking lately that I just don’t want to be happy or content. In part, I just can’t imagine myself as a happy, smiling person; it actually makes me uncomfortable. I would need to change so much about myself, and part of me even hates happy, optimistic people. It seems like I would always be wearing a mask. I’ll list a few other thoughts as numbered points:
- Being serious and unemotional makes me feel more in control of day to day situations. I’m worried that acting friendly would invite too many people who would take advantage of me.
- When I did have a few friends, they were emotionally tiring. I never felt like talking to them or hanging out with them. I just like going home to be alone at the end of the day because I can drop all the little social formalities, be myself, and relax.
- I’m not sure I could find any real friends again even if I tried. I don’t know how to be normal and social anymore.
- It feels pointless building myself up or trying to establish social connections because eventually something bad will happen and “knock it all down again”. One could argue that being happy and having connections makes it easier to bear when something bad has happened, but I also worry that those things  just give you more to lose when depression inevitably returns.
- Part of me actually enjoys feeling like a tragic martyr; it almost makes me feel enlightened. To be happy would be like being complacent and blind.
- I sometimes feel angry at society, and by killing myself I’d be rejecting others’ morals and views on what is right and wrong. Maybe some of us were never meant to be happy and content in complex society, and suicide is natural drive to escape an unnatural pain.
- It’s just plain easier to be sad than it is to be happy. Happiness is fleeting, and takes effort and changes to keep it going that I don’t have the energy for.
- Maybe I was never psychologically capable of real happiness; I don’t have any happy memories from any point in my life.
Those are the majority of thoughts I have about how I act and feel. I’m wondering if anyone relates to these.
2 comments
I am exactly the same when It comes to relationships. I used to put on an act to appear functional in social settings and even forced myself to spend time with people called “friends”. I felt like I only spent time with people to be considerate rather than to enjoy myself. After a while, I just gave up pretending and started doing what I truly wanted. Being alone. I feel like I’m a solitary tiger living with a pride of lions.
Wow, that might as well be my list also..Seriously it’s insane how I have pretty much all those views and you easily put them down visually for me and most likely a whole bunch of other people to understand.