Betrayal

I feel betrayed and alone. I had a very close relationship (or so I thought) with my Higher Power. But, so much is wrong right now that is totally out of my control – my body is falling apart, all my friends are either gone or more than 1 days drive away, and I am so fucking tired and cold all of the time. I can’t remember a time since my ritual abuse (when I was a child) that I’ve felt this horrible. I used to say I had a problem with depression, but I didn’t. That was not depression. THIS is.

I have done everything I can to help myself but the sadness goes on and on. This is a nightmare I can’t wake up out of. It just never ends. And for the first time in over 10 years, I’m having sexual and ritual abuse memories. It’s been so fucking long that I can’t remember how to deal with them. I’m going to a support group and it helps some, but there is NO fucking money and NO fucking way I can afford professional help.  And I was crying out, screaming out, and begging for help from my Higher Power the other day – please, please just give me something – give me some kind of light, some kind of hope, some kind of sign that this too shall pass. Please stop throwing dirt on my partially buried body. But no answer, no hope, no new ideas, no new road… hell, I’m willing to help myself but I can’t any more – I have exhausted everything I have – every idea, every bit of money, everything.

I feel so alone and so unloved and unlovable. But I guess if I’m dogshit, then I’m dogshit, and what kind of fucking deity would ever love dogshit? But I’d rather be dogshit and be honest about it then go one pretending something or someone out there gives half a flying fuck. I may have nothing and may be nothing, but at least I’m honest. I hate being alive.