Seriously – if there was something to look forward to that made enduring the pain of bending my hips, back and knees to put my clothes on before work worth enduring but there isn’t.
If I was only just a little comfortable in my own skin so I felt like I deserved to have someone waiting for me at the end of the day to soothe me and hold me again but I don’t.
If I could rest, I mean really rest when I sleep instead of tossing and turning all night long trying to stay one step ahead of the pain and waking to overwhelming anxiety, but I can’t.
If there was only enough Ativan, Klonopin or Valium in one place at one time to make me as numb as I need to be – Hell, I couldn’t afford it anyway. So there isn’t.
I really wish there was a reason to take another breath. But there isn’t
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I sometimes feel thankful that there isn’t a reason… in a sort of mildly tragic, melancholy sort of way. If i had a reason, i’d have to try, and if i had to try, i’d be full of even more pain, and would inevitably fail, and would inevitably be dissatisfied with any possible outcome of my actions, because there are no avenues of real success. It is impossible for me to have an actual life. But if it was “possible,” then i would be grinding myself to death in the rat race every day, but without actually “winning” at life. A whole lot of extra wasted effort and invited anguish, but for nothing.
And so… sometimes i’m okay with lack of potentially desirable outcomes. At least then there’s no pressure to try, in the reality of inevitable failure.
If i’m going to fail anyway… i’d rather fail before i try, and save myself the grief.
Perhaps the reason we have more time than we think we need to live is so that we have a chance to change.
who has more time than they think they need? I need at least a millennium.
Well I meant it in the context. “Why should I wait to die of causes beyond my control? Why don’t I kill myself right now and end it all and skip all of the good and bad?”
Also! I think anyone who lived for a millennium would actually drive themselves mad (perhaps unless they processed things significantly slower than say a sloth).
when people think good things are going to happen, they usually don’t kill themselves.
Killing yourself is about skipping all the useless bad shit that doesn’t result in anything else good happening… and also, choosing optimal exit conditions, rather than dying suddenly, unexpectedly, perhaps embarrassingly, in an awkward position, or excruciation.
The real question is: “why should i endure excess and needless suffering, for no reason… when i can instead choose the circumstances of my death?”
I won’t miss anything “good.” And yes, it is possible for me to know that (but not everyone).
And even if i did miss something good, i wouldn’t know. And even if i did know i missed something good… so what?
“And even if i did know i missed something good…”
And how would that be any different than what i’m experiencing now? Aside from the fact that i won’t be aware of it, if i’m dead.
Which is kinda the point.
I know i missed out on, and am still missing out on, and will always miss out on, all the good stuff, can’t do anything about it, and am tired of being aware of any of it. I know of only one way to turn it off.
I don’t even have to ask “why shouldn’t i?” I already know the only few things stopping me. Unfortunately, those few things are never going to be enough to compensate for the misery part, so my only available option is to accept that i must also let go of those few reasons, because the life that keeps me connected to those few good reasons, is simply too fucked, and is not going to get better.
So when people say i’m “being negative,” well of course; what else can i possibly be? The shit i can’t change or control, takes more than i can give, leaving me with a deficit, aka “negative.” And instead of not-being, i’m still continuing to “be,” aka “being.” I have no other alternative. I can “be negative,” or i can stop being anything at all, forever.
What a choice.
Not everyone changes because they ask for it.. sometimes it just happens. I guess when you stop changing in infinitesimal amounts everyday you’ve probably got to ask yourself if you’re living tbh.
Do you believe in preparing for all possibilities clevername or what you deem to be “certain” or “probable”?
i’m not “living,” i just exist; mostly involuntarily.
I think it’s good to be ready for anything, but it’s better to have as refined as possible a forecast, so that you can focus on a few scenarios, rather than “everything,” which will usually leave you spread too thin to handle any particularly intense scenario.
I tend to like the idea of flexible predictions through cultivated heuristics. But you gotta understand how the world works, first… and that’s no small task. Some people get lucky with intuition, but others have a really hard time knowing what to expect, in any given situation.
If you generalize, you can’t specialize, but if you specialize, you’re stuck.
And so that’s where i got stuck. I could do neither “everything,” nor “just one thing.” I tried to do all the things, because none of the things seemed a good enough standalone thing. It didn’t work out, but mostly because of circumstances, and not because the approach was wrong.
“when people think good things are going to happen, they usually don’t kill themselves.” Key phrase in there is “are going to happen” rather than “could happen”. Personally if I was faced with a quick and easy way of killing myself, who’s to say I wouldn’t? Supposedly I have been guaranteed a “bright” and “promising” future with the path I’ve chosen but I don’t think that matters – it’s about how you feel right now and whether you can wait for something that may or may not happen.
“Why not live?” and “Why not die?” are too closely related in my opinion as is “good” and “bad”.
In the context of what nozmoking was talking about (which was what I was always referring to), he/she is just looking for a reason to live.. he/she wants good things to happen, but hasn’t ruled them out. I was saying that living provides opportunity – and I know you’re going to argue with clevername this because I said “opportunity” but I mean a chance. Key word: a – big or small, you’re going to face decisions that you’re going to need to choose.
Okay, let’s say you’re open to any sort of possibility and you’re willing to prepare for it. What if this life isn’t the end? What if once you die, you just awaken in another world where everything stays the same and you’re doomed to stay stuck in the same shit you were trying or hoping to escape with death? Should you prepare for that? It is a possibility, you can’t prove it right or wrong.. but if it’s right, you’re going to be stuck in a certain state “forever”.
“Planning for the long term”. 😛
It’s just an idea though.
“It is a possibility, you can’t prove it right or wrong” but what evidence is there to suggest it? It’s just aimless babblings backed up by saying “the nature of the allegory, fanciful and baseless as it is, is such that it cannot be disproved, therefore the idea must be respected.”
Does it bollocks.
The same could be said to support a belief in faeries and yet I am entirely certain that there are none of those living in my garden.
it’s not about what you can wait for, but what you can make happen, and if you have enough time and resources.
Waiting is easy. Making stuff happen isn’t.
It’s quite simple to just not do anything.
It’s quite complicated and difficult, to do all the right things, without anything going wrong, or being ruined by external forces (ie: immutable circumstances and other people).
I was contrasting nozmoking’s sentiment, not necessarily disagreeing with it. I’ve seen it both ways. I’ve been both “there,” and “here.” That’s why i said i “sometimes” feel thankful that there is no reason. The absence of that reason means i don’t have to try, and that i can choose to depart at any time. No pressure. I can choose to persist in agonizing futility, or i can choose to conclude. If didn’t have my special canine, i would have been long gone by now. I’ve had to confront the reality that i may go anyway.
Also: if suicide were to result in some sort of “hereafter,” in which everything is exactly the same as it was… then it didn’t matter. None of that stuff is going to change either way, so my death would be irrelevant.
But i’m pretty sure nothing else happens. And if we are reincarnated, we carry no memories of this life, which again, makes it irrelevant. I won’t know i was ever “me.”
Also, you don’t know whether it is or isn’t “possible.” To say “it is a possibility,” isn’t really accurate. It “may be” a possibility… but we don’t know, and we have no indication that it is possible, and no way to test whether it is or isn’t.
And if i happen to wake up in exactly the same world, but a slightly different version where i just can’t die… then i’d be okay with that, because i wouldn’t have to worry that refusing to do things i don’t want to do, would result in death. I’d just not do anything at all, and watch the eons pass. Probably from a mountain or something.
Sure, being alive is a prerequisite for technical “opportunity,” as in “potential,” but that doesn’t imply useful opportunity, or actualized potential.