Do you really want to die?

I lost my father to suicide and harbor no harsh feelings toward him for what he did. He was in pain, depressed, unable to break away from alcohol and drug addiction and the worst part to him was the IRS said he owed $50,000 in back taxes and he had no idea why. Turns out after his death the IRS informed us he really didn’t owe anything, in fact, they owed him! A sickening feeling that was. The IRS was the first mention in his suicide note. They killed my father just as much as he killed himself…but I digress…Now I stand in his place, popping pills and longing for the moment when I get up the nerve to put that 9mm bullet through my own skull but the thought of the sole person in my life, my loving boyfriend of 10 years, having to pick up the pieces of skull fragments and brain matter stops me “dead” in my tracks. But deep down, do I really want to die? For all of you out there on the verge of suicide, do you really want to end life once and for all or do you just wish life was different? I am older than most of you, a former model, popular cheerleader in high school and even a degree in mortuary science…yet my unhappiness runs deep, a feeling of darkness I cannot shake. Please know you aren’t alone. There are others out there who feel your pain and can reach out to hold your hand no matter how far away in physical miles you may be. I keep holding on, another day, another day, living like a rat in a cage but I’m still here. What keeps you here? What keeps you from taking that final step? I want to know…with love <3