indefinitely as i drift among the currents, indefinitely will i vie for optimal position in the flow.
But… lately i’ve been feeling that feeling, much more deeply; less indefinitely…
And maybe it’s just time… or almost time… and i’m not really sure what good waiting will ever do, if it’s all i can do, and only without any chance to make any of the changes overdue.
So many things, circumstances, scenarios, all converging and intersecting at once… that i can’t really even… communicate, i guess.
Too many things went wrong, long ago, and started a bunch of chain reactions, which have all been feeding into and compounding each other, ever since.
I know a lot of you like to encourage hopefulness… but from my position, such a thing could not be more absurd. I tend to get agitated very quickly when met with such inapplicable over-positivism.
I really don’t have any options that could discernibly pan out. For all intents and purposes, all i really have left is to try to roll the dice on long shots, and hope something sticks… even though that’s not even close to a reliable solution to any of it. Feels like all i can really do is go all-in and lose it all, on a bad hand, in a game where everyone’s just waiting for their next chance to call my bluff, because everyone counts cards, and knows my hand sucks, and that bluffing is my only option… which only works if the other guy thinks you might actually have something good.
But everyone can look at the facts and factors, and see that my only choices are fold or bluff. If i fold, i surrender my only extremely slim chance to win anything at all. If i bluff… i lose it all anyway. All i can do is lose. It’s just a matter of when, and how much suspense i can build (or avoid) before the chips are gone.
And so in the midst of such a hopeless sure-defeat scenario, i feel like the only thing i can do is try to dissolve all attachment, so that the kill shot won’t hurt as bad as it could.
But that leaves me with no reason to even try anything, because i hate leaving anything half-done, unfinished, because it redefines all the prior efforts as waste, if you don’t finish things.
If you spend 1000 hours on any project, but then never finish it… well, that’s not just an unfinished project, but 1000 hours you could have spent on something else, which might have been finished.
And so, as i feel this… impending surrender to the inevitable… i can’t even try to change anything, because i don’t think i’ll even get a chance to finish any of what i’d want to try, or any of what could actually succeed in altering the apparent doom awaiting me. And if i won’t get to finish any of it, i don’t want to waste the last bits of my life striving in futility, to change what can’t be changed; i spent far too much of my life doing exactly that… because there was no other way. If i didn’t or couldn’t change what wouldn’t change… i wasn’t going to make it.
And so here i am, with all this wasted time behind me, from all those things i knew i had to try, which i had to finish, to be able to make it… but i couldn’t finish any of it, because too much went wrong, along the way… and sometimes, even worse, there was never enough right, to allow success to become possible in the first place.
And since i feel like my entire life was spent wasting on needing to change what could not be changed… i kinda feel like it doesn’t even matter whether i “fold,” or “go all-in,” on a known loss. All i’ve got to lose, is a life i do not want, which was never going to be anything to anyone anyway.
It’s so weird being so indecisive about something that apparently doesn’t even matter… while it’s also the only thing that Can matter, since without it, there is no “me.”
So maybe i should just surrender this agonizing futility, to the ultimate dismantling, disintegration and dispersal. I honestly think that would be “what’s best,” whether for “everyone else,” or just for me.
I couldn’t make use of my gifts, and this world is all about having the most money, or the best body, or both… and i’ll never be any of that. And i’m tired of being none of that. And i’m tired of trying to tolerate being stuck as something miserable, as so much less than even the minimum viable being. I’m just not compatible with this world, and it’s not going to become compatible with me, and i cannot be anyone else.
I have repeatedly attempted to exhaustively list all the reasons people should do certain things differently… but “no one” (not literally, but far too few) ever gives a shit. Even if i could change all i would about myself (which i can’t), the rest would remain the same, unchanged, and not immutable, but simply denied.
The world didn’t want to change anything for me, because i never had what it values, to offer, to motivate any worthwhile compromise. Instead, i was always the one forced to compromise myself, endlessly, until i ran out of room to give. I can’t “give” anymore. My materials and essences have been pushed and pulled, stretched and compressed, to and through their limits. I was eventually too broken to mend. My systems, structures and materials, have had their integrity compromised… just by encountering and attempting to maintain participation in life.
The underlying interpretation here is that of course no one who actually could, was ever going to help me. Life always works out best when all relevant competition can be systematically eliminated. The only ones who could have helped me, would prefer not to have to compete with what i could have become. It would be bad for business — their business — to endorse and cultivate potentially superior opposition.
My life should serve as a perfect example of what can happen when parents do not understand or appreciate the value of allowing opportunities for development and growth. “oh yeah sure, blame the parents…” but seriously: most of what’s gone wrong for me, can be traced directly to the mindsets of my parents, ie: why they made the decisions they made, which stunted my development enough that i could not overcome the ensuing disadvantages. They are the ones responsible for having omitted or removed the better answers from the multiple choice test they made of my life. By the time i got out on my own, it was already too late. I was too far behind, with too many overwhelmingly difficult obstacles obstructing any potentially sufficient path. They ruined my life, by simply believing that things would just magically work out, somehow, as long as i didn’t give up. But i knew they were wrong, even then. And now, they don’t seem to care that my life has served as cold hard proof of their misgivings. They were wrong, i was right, and my whole life sucked because of it.
I knew this was coming, way back then… which was one part of the root cause of my cascading collapse into terminal depression. Trying to live with that ever worsening condition, while also trying to overcome outrageously overburdening obstacles… wore me out, tore me down, burned me up.
People like to say “it’s better to burn out, than to fade away…”
But i got to do both. Neither are good. I would have preferred to avoid the imposed requirement to burn maximally all the time, so that i wouldn’t have had to burn out so quickly… but then, due to the striving against and enduring of such profound and prolonged adversity… i ended up being hardy enough that i will have to take decisive and deliberate action to end my existence, rather than simply dying of surrender. Dying of surrender is probably one of the worst ways to go, since it would center around starvation and exposure. If i have to make a mess that one of the few people who cares, will have to find… i think that would be an acceptable tradeoff to avoid a starvation/exposure related demise.
I keep ending up with so many words… but i feel… there is just as much to say, as there isn’t. There is as much “everything” to say, as there is as much “nothing” to say. I want to say it all, while also wanting to say none of it.
28 comments
Cl, I don’t think the world is about money and magazine-endorsed looks. If that were true, celebrities (having both) wouldn’t do drugs and commit suicide, isn’t that so?
There’s So much more than this superficial stuff.. but I won’t make a list, as I am sure you will try your best to invent issues with everything on it.
It isn’t true that your life means nothing to no one. Simply isn’t. How do I know? I just know, just like that.
Yes, parents can screw their kids pretty bad. But once one is an adult, it all stops there. While childhood scars will always be there, they don’t have to shape one’s life.
You have a strong personality. Why not use your drive and determination to get better?
Dealing with depression is like going to war. If one wants to succeed, one has to throw everything, absolutely everything at it. All of your arsenal, all at once, everything and anything out there – therapy, meds, lifestyle, diet, exercises, yoga, meditation, advanced basket weaving.. – absolutely anything and everything that you think has a remote chance of helping.
One thing alone won’t fix it. It’s a war. And a challenge, the most serious challenge you will ever face.
I hope you try and wish you good luck.
“I don’t think the world is about money”
“I am sure you will try your best to invent issues with everything…”
You’re already showing how far off base you are…
“It isn’t true that your life means nothing to no one.”
I don’t think that’s exactly what i said…
“Yes, parents can screw their kids pretty bad. But once one is an adult, it all stops there. While childhood scars will always be there, they don’t have to shape one’s life.”
You missed the point. The part where i said: “their choices caused a cascading chain reaction…” this did not magically stop when i turned 18. It still affects me today, due to opportunities which were prevented by their choices, in the past, which then caused various scenarios in which it was *impossible* for me to access the better choices. Chain reactions. That’s how they work. This has nothing to do with “childhood scars,” and everything to do with timing, having my options eliminated by the choices other people made, and the FACT that other people can and do, and have, chosen things which have caused the removal of my access to options i needed, which then resulted in an agonizing and impossible life full of degradation and deterioration, due to my WILLINGNESS to meet those challenges like a Boss, until i could no longer maintain my health and well-being enough to continue doing so. But yes, my parents’ choices did indeed shape my life, without my consent, because their choices eliminated mine. It has nothing to do with “scars” or “hurt feelings,” and everything to do with results, and the fact that they essentially made it impossible for me to develop my gifts into talents, which left me with insufficient means to do anything about it, which then resulted in a life of inevitable decay, simply because i could not access any way to make enough money to keep myself sustainably healthy.
No one is going to pay me to be a strong personality. My “drive and determination” is compromised, has been for a long time now. I try to manifest it, but it just doesn’t work anymore, because there are too many problems i can’t even deal with, let alone actually resolve. Meanwhile, “now” sucks, has for a long time, and more time keeps passing wasted, because i can’t access what i need to make any corrections.
Like i said: i have nothing left to give. I have no “give” left. I’ve become rigid, brittle, even frail. I am weak where it counts: physically. No one gives a shit about my raw and unrefined mind. At least, not in the real world they don’t.
All this was a series of challenges i was never allowed to become adequately prepared to overcome. And in the midst of being woefully unprepared, those challenges dismantled me bit by bit, piece by piece, until there was nothing left of the warrior i used to be, aside from a broken body and a tormented mind. There is no way for me to continue “the fight.”
Hi Clevername – (this might annoy you) but I just wanted to say that I am wishing you the best, and I truly hope that something will work out in your favour. If I knew of any business opportunities I’d mention your name, but unfortunately I don’t right now. I’m still trying to figure out what kind of career I can go after, myself.
Even if you’ve lost hope, I’m going to keep hoping for you.
I didn’t find this to be annoying. And while i appreciate the thought of a mention, i’m really not qualified for anything that could be fairly deemed a “business opportunity.” But thanks anyway.
A wise man once told me when I belted out NO SURRENDER that:
“I figured you’d say something like that.”
“But that’s the type of attitude Living Life requires… and i think lots of people just have it beaten out of them, whether physically or otherwise.”
“Life is War. I find that ironic.”
No doubt you’ll hate me forever for quoting you like this, but maybe you should redirect some of this sterling advice of your’s and repurpose it for yourself. You’re fuckin’ clever alright, if I had half your brain I’d engineer my own super brew of awesome liquors and solve world hunger.
We are all soldier’s fighting our own battles, and farthest from a soldier’s mind is the thought of surrender. Keep up the good fight, Charlie November. Not sure what else to say to you without sounding like I have a mancrush on you or something…but yeah.
I don’t hate you for quoting me on that, nor do i feel like a hypocrite for it. I said what i said to you, because i thought it would be applicable. What i want to say to you, on this, and the way i want to articulate it, escapes me. To use a potentially triggering hypothetical situation as an analogy: i know i’m too compromised to keep fighting in any useful capacity, but i can see that others can still make it, or can at least still contribute in their own battles; they don’t have to surrender just yet. But me, i’m like the mortally wounded guy you’d use as a diversion, as bait, to wait with a pile of explosives, and hope to take out many of the opposition with my last action… while the rest of you make an escape to regroup elsewhere, and maybe clean up any who weren’t close enough to the trap. That’s kinda how i “feel.” I most likely won’t be blowing anything up though. I feel like i’ve taken too many wounds, and it’s time to demand the others leave me where i fell, so they can have a better chance for themselves, without the reduced efficiency inherent in carrying someone who can’t pull his own weight. What’s worse than surrender, is having the final moments of consciousness show that those who stubbornly tried to save you, got themselves compromised in the process, when they might have otherwise made it. I don’t want to be the burden that drags others down, while they refuse to let go of what’s left of what i used to be.
Anyone breaks after long enough under enough pressure. And, it hurts to watch people hurt, as they finally see that i am now but a shadow of my former self, and that there really isn’t much left of me. I kinda think that maybe somewhere underneath it all, they really will appreciate being freed from that burden i never wanted to be. Maybe that won’t seem like a justifiable benefit to them… but in that, they would at least experience something similar to what i’ve been feeling: the scarce betterment potentially availed by continuing, is not really “worth” continuing. Kinda like how they’d probably think my having freed us all from that burden, doesn’t seem “worth” dealing with the realm of feelings over someone who chose to die. Maybe they’ll never make the connection, and never truly understand… but at least they will experience something abstractly similar.
Moving past all that…
I just don’t even know what to do anymore. I don’t think i can fight the currents effectively anymore, and i don’t think there is much, if any chance, that said currents will lead me anywhere worth being conscious upon arrival.
Ahh clevername, I always enjoy your posts and responses.
Why not one more roll of the dice? If you’re planning to surrender, going all-in may be a better way than folding.
Though I can see the issue with going all-in. One final major failure or disappointment could cause you to surrender impulsively.
You seem like a logical guy. I don’t know about you, but for me, when I go, I don’t want it to be impulsive. I want to be able to look back on my life and say that this was the logical conclusion. Yes, it can be nearly impossible to be completely un-emotional in that final moment, but I want to be as clear-headed as possible. That’s what’s holding me back from taking that last throw of the dice.
Right now I just ride the wave. I still have a couple things I have to take care of. Then I will decide if I will make one last try.
I don’t know what the best course of action is. Maybe going all-in will turn your life around. Maybe it won’t. Evaluate the risks and rewards of going all-in and make a choice.
i’ve extensively considered impulsive vs. deliberate… and what i think will happen, is that i will deliberate* (“ate”) until it’s all settled in my head, and then i will simply wait, until the “final straw” set of circumstances inevitably but perhaps unpredictably arises. I’ve been doing the “look back on my life and say that this was the logical conclusion” for a while now. It’s as if i’ve already figured out that my only real option, the only choice that actually matters, and is actually a choice, would be whether to “leave early” or not. I’m not really holding onto anything, clinging to any fantastical hopes… but neither am i rushing to the end. I feel like i’m already at the end… i’m just waiting for whatever is going to happen to compel me toward that final act… and i have accepted that it will most likely be “spontaneous,” a sort of “impulse” thing… but not really spontaneous or impulsive at all, because i’ve already spent so much time and energy in thorough contemplation. The actual event may occur seemingly spontaneously, but “my suicide” will have been anything but spontaneous. It has been decades in the making, at this point. If anyone is actually surprised, well then they just must not have been paying attention… my whole life.
But i’ve also accepted that if/when i do check out, it’s unlikely that anyone will really understand, and very likely that many will misrepresent just about everything about whoever i ever was. It’s like they don’t even know i exist; they merely imagine whatever person they’ve created in their minds, in place of who i actually am. That person, which isn’t me, will be “gone,” when i’m gone… but they really won’t be missing “me.” At this moment, i don’t know if i can honestly say that anyone really even knows me.
There’s more i wanted to say, but… meh. If i see any opportunity that looks like it’s worth the required risk, i’ll probably jump at it. I just don’t see that happening, for many reasons.
I’m not a martial artist, but I know one of the teachings is to use your opponents own force against him. When you pit force against force there is no giving up. You push harder, your opponent pushes harder and you fight, and fight until the weaker gives or dies. Same with life. If you’re fighting against life, using force, pushing harder and harder then life pushes back with equal or stronger force. This is the struggle. Laws of physics; for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction. It’ll kill you.
People don’t understand “surrender”. It doesn’t mean to give up. It means to stop fighting so freaking hard. Stop creating a turbulence. Use life’s force as in karate. When life takes a swing, you step in and to the side using life’s own power as your own.
Your parents were programed by their parents to act certain ways. And their parents were conditioned by their parents and so on down the line. At some point you just have to stop the madness and say, “well, you guys were fucked in your choices, but from here on out I’m making my own.”
when force meets force, the stronger material breaks the weaker material. If you’re weaker than your foe, you don’t play the strength versus strength game. If your foe is stronger, you have to be smarter and faster. And if you can’t be either of those things, your best bet is to be too far away for him to strike you. If you’re weaker, can’t escape, and he closes the gap, you have to understand and be able to divert his strike with a combination of appendage deflection, and slick body positioning, almost perfectly timed. In this way, you can cause him to expose himself, or “open the door,” for you to deliver a damaging strike to a vulnerable point, such as the temple, eyes or nose, etc. But don’t linger, because if you don’t stun or disable him with that first opening-exploiting shot, there’s going to be a fierce counter attack racing toward you, and you’ll have to keep flowing with the situation so as to minimize incoming damage, while remaining in position to exploit each opening, and if you mess up, you’re going to get hurt, maybe die. In such a situation, you use whatever is useful, whatever is necessary, in order to prevent the attacker from significantly damaging you. That’s what it’s all about: self-preservation. If you get hurt, you can’t fight as well, which means you’re going to get hurt even more, because you can’t effectively protect yourself.
So it’s like i’ve been in this really long fight, where i got hurt early, and haven’t been able to sufficiently protect myself, and i keep getting hurt more and more, and with a reduced capacity to regain the upper hand, i can’t really hope to win, maybe not even survive. At some point, you’ve spent all the fight you could spend, and the attacker is still coming. If you go down in a real fight, you get kicked repeatedly. People have died, or been scarred for life, by such things. Some injuries you just can’t come back from; even if you survive, you won’t be able to compete like before, which makes quite a lot of people define you as “irrelevant.”
Anyway… you’re right, and i like that you noticed that surrender isn’t necessarily about making an exit, but is about accepting that i can no longer strive against the currents. I would HAVE TO “create turbulence,” in order to achieve anything resembling success. I hate that, on multiple levels. I’ve always wanted to avoid superfluous arbitrary turbulence. I wanted to live a peaceful and moderately intense life… not extreme agony or mind-blowing euphoric bliss.
I was thinking about this a little while ago… by always ending up being the one who has to “be the bigger man” and yield to all aggression, that habituates a pattern in which aggression always seeks me out as the path of least resistance, which means i will always be yielding, and always be plagued by aggression seeking to flow through a low-resistance target. That’s not a life i want.
And you’re right: my parents, their parents, their parents, etc., all had to figure out how to work with what their parents gave them. Unfortunately, this ended up producing a failing method, which resulted in me having no options in life. You can all claim that “i should make my own choices,” but i think many of you fail to realize that making one’s own choices requires access to the power and resources to do so. That’s part of what their choices eliminated as a possibility in my life. I cannot make enough money, and i am too damaged to live. My choices were irrelevant, because someone removed the right ones from the test, before i was ever allowed to decide otherwise. After that became the immutable past, it was too late. However, aside from that, i am indeed my own person, and i will think what i think, like what i like, and do as i please, within the constraints of my inescapable circumstances. I do “make my own choices,” and i have for a very long time. The problem is not “what i decide,” but rather, what is omitted from the table of possible choices, by factors beyond my control.
Are you familiar with Salmon?
They’re a type of fish that’s born in fresh water. They spend their early years there then swim downstream to spend the majority of their adult life in the ocean. Then the Salmon swim back upstream to their natal pond to mate and die. (“Mate, spawn, and die” is a song by Lard).
Wikipedia’s got a decent entry called Salmon Run which goes into more detail. I thought it was interesting.
I’ve eaten salmon several times. It’s decent. But i don’t get to mate, and i don’t want to be in my hometown, so i’m not sure what to think of salmon… aside from the fact that i would eat them, if available.
clevername your post is awesome…why dont you try writing as a carrier…i felt some magic in ur writing…really awesome ur..
Thanks. I’ve certainly considered it, but it seems a bit more difficult and complex than most people seem to realize.
Casual Observer – there’s a very good documentary about a specific kind of Alaska salmon (released last year). It’s called “The Surprise Salmon” and is a part of a 6 film series called “Life on Fire”. The series is about life around active volcanoes and shows stunning cinematography, they have used some new technologies and cameras for filming. I thought you might like it – it should be available online on PBS
clevername,
since you’re of a philosophical bent, you might find the following interesting:
1 ‘the philosophy of suicide’ rationallyspeaking.blogspot.com.es/search?q=suicide
2 article on suicide in the stanford encyclopedia of philosophy:
plato.stanford.edu/entries/suicide/
3 camus’ writings on suicide: he wrote that suicide is the only true philosophical problem
i don’t understand the logical coherence of ‘if you never finish a project, it had no worth to begin with’:
a) most of the time, one doesn’t know whether they will finish a project before they start it (especially if the project is of any considerable length and intensity)
b) you’ve probably heard this before, but the satisfaction is in the doing, in the process…
it might seem like bullshit to you, but i know people for whom what they do IS their satisfaction; if you can’t find anything that satisfies you — at least at the level you THINK you’re capable of (i emphasize ‘think’, because your perceptions might be way off) — then say that…but that’s completely different then saying, ‘nothing is justified, if you can’t be sure of its completion beforehand’
waiting for your response
be well
perhaps i will eventually get around to investigating those items.
And, it wasn’t that the unfinished “never had” worth, but that it “becomes” worthless, even retroactively.
Of course the satisfaction should be in the doing; that’s one of the major issues i have: there are very few things i even enjoy at all, and what i do still enjoy, is enjoyed in a drastically reduced way. And everything that i don’t enjoy, is torture… which is going to be the majority of any type of sustained existence, from here on out. I don’t want that.
Honestly, most of the time, i just want to lay down and die. Barring that, there are many things i’d like to do, but all of them have requirements i can’t meet, or are simply blocked by other people’s idiocy.
Hi Clevername,
I wish I had your brain and your way with words. I admire how you put into words how you feel. I once wrote my first post to you, but it come off completely wrong. I’m sorry. nonetheless I’m still your #1 Fan! ( Yay how great for you huh? lol… ) but seriously I Love you clever you have kept me coming back to this site, just to read your comments and sometimes its not even what you say but how you said it that fascinates me. It distracts me for a while from my fucked life, your one of my daily rituals, “oh wonder if clevers left comments on sp” YES he has and the longer and more in depth the better!! I really need to write a book, but I cant write for shit….. I guess I just wish I had your skills and study your writings sometimes trying to learn from you how my brain should think when writing and all that. Thank you for sharing your mind and your knowledge on this site so I can read it. Anyway sorry this is not related directly to the post, but I truly hope you never surrender yourself. You know If i could meet anyone in the world even famous it would be you!
Hi… thanks. I’m not sure what to even say to this.
Maybe i’ll just respond with my stoic rockstar face.
“I’m still your #1 Fan!” ↠that’s cute.
This guy seems to have many followers.
Clevername, as I have stated before, it is not so much about attaining the goal as much as the experiences in the road to the goal. A goal is a static boring point in time. As soon as reached, another one needs to replace it. If you only believed in yourself one percent as much as I do, you would rule the world. (In a responsible way,I believe) I realize the past has made you who your are today, for the better and worse. Why does such an intelligent man have such a self confidence struggle?
people keep saying that… “it’s not the destination, it’s the journey!” as if i hadn’t realized that. This notion is so eloquently conveyed by David Foster’s “how’s the water?” anecdote.
I already know, it’s about “day in, day out,” what you do all day every day, and how you feel while doing it. I’ve known this for ages.
But one major problem is that this causes the goal to become fluid, and transforms the journey into an always-on goal, a perpetual requirement for all things to go as i wish, as i envision, as i plan… because “how you feel while doing what you do,” IS the goal. But then, that goal becomes unattainable, and i can’t feel good about doing what i’m doing, while i’m doing it, because i have to do stuff i absolutely despise, just to survive. If all my time is “stolen” by activities i do not want to submit to doing, just because i have no better option to afford my own existence… then that, in and of itself, makes the goal of appreciating “the journey,” completely impossible; in fact, it eliminates any possibility of any “journey,” and turns life into nothing but a series of unpleasant or unwanted tasks, in order to gain a gradual decline into eventual death, with no time or resources to do much of anything outside that opt-in slavery people call “work.”
And if i say: “i’d rather kill myself, than do any work i feel is unacceptable,” then that’s just the way it is. I didn’t make this world this way, but i’m sure plenty of people will try as hard as they can to make my inability to access the enjoyable parts, my own fault, instead of admitting that the way things are done is wrong, so wrong, wrong enough that people would rather die than continue doing what they hate having no other way but to do… and even then, solely for the sake of perpetuating a completely unacceptable life, that never will have any chance to be defined as “an enjoyed and fulfilling journey.”
For me, there is no journey. It’s not really about confidence at all, but rather, it’s about reality and how my options are so limited that i don’t see anything i want as being available, which eliminates any reason to justify trading of unpleasant tasks, for pleasing rewards. I won’t do anything i don’t want to do, without getting something i want out of it, and in a minimally acceptable amount. If that option is not available, i will bow out, because that option must be available, in order for any part of my “journey” to ever be worth all i’ve already endured and tolerated, and all i would have to continue putting up with, in order to ever reach anything worthwhile at all. So whatever might be gained, must be fucking amazing, or it’s not worth a single ounce of effort on my part. I’ve already overpaid and have nothing to show for it. I feel completely ripped off, scammed, and unwilling to continue putting more time, energy, effort and resources, into an obviously corrupt system, which apparently never had any intention of delivering what it advertises.
If my efforts won’t produce the results i want, i won’t try. It’s that simple. I’m not here to waste my time just because other people think i should.
But going back to the notion of confidence… it’s because i know my limits. People expect far too much, some of which i cannot do, much of which i would refuse, were i even able.
Bro, who can I argue with when youre gone? Everyone else who I have tried with doesnt seem to want to argue or to be able to on a decent level.
heh, oh, don’t worry, i’m sure you’ll find someone… 😉
i want you all to receive fair responses, but i’m not sure i’m up to it (by my own standards), which makes me a bit disinclined.
@clevername; My point about salmon was this: Their purpose in life is to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles just to perpetuate a seemingly endless cycle.
They often swim hundreds of miles to get back to their spawning ground. They’ve been known to jump as high as 12 feet to get past waterfalls. There are bears, eagles, and fishermen lying in wait for them. (The salmon run is a major event for many other species besides salmon).
The salmon are in peak physical condition when they first begin the journey upstream. They stop eating along the way, and are completely depleted by the time they reach their final destination. Some salmon die once they reach their natal pond without spawning.
In northwest America, salmon is a keystone species, which means the impact they have on other life is greater than would be expected in relation to their biomass. The death of the salmon has important consequences, since it means significant nutrients in their carcasses, rich in ********, sulfur, carbon and phosphorus, are transferred from the ocean to terrestrial wildlife such as bears and riparian woodlands adjacent to the rivers. This has knock-on effects not only for the next generation of salmon, but to every species living in the riparian zones the salmon reach.[1] The nutrients can also be washed downstream into estuaries where they accumulate and provide further support for estuarine breeding birds.
^ I just pulled a copy n pasta with that paragraph. ^
The salmon seem to be genetically programmed to live an arduous existence which at first glance might seem like nothing more than a futile cycle. A perpetual struggle whose only reward is to create more offspring who will continue the cycle over and over and over again. But if you take a closer look you see that the salmon have a much greater impact on their environment than they realize. All they know is what they’ve been programmed to do – they’re not cognizant of the ancillary service they provide. They are a necessary component which is part of a greater whole, even though they’re oblivious to the contribution they make while immersed in their own personal struggle.
ah, i see what you’re getting at, and find it somewhat relevant and valid.
Sorry for being vague earlier, clevername.
I think you under estimate your impact. Positive for some, maybe not so much for others.
Either way, I think a world with you in it is better than a world without you around. (I say that as a fierce, unabashed hetero).