Last nite I was so upset, i was more than ready to kill myself. Instead of hurting myself, I decided to just wait another day. I went to sleep.
when I woke up, I was still upset, but I had calmed down. I just wanted to stay in bed all day but I couldnt, I had to go to work. I’m suicidal most days, but when it comes to work, Im too fucking responsible.
Right now I’m just as upset as yesterday, but I’m just going to sleep hoping that tomorrow is less annoying
3 comments
welcome to the cycle.
“maybe tomorrow…” is something i tell myself as a sort of self-hack. I don’t actually believe any of my tomorrows will be any better, but i use it as a way to let go of today, and all the yesterdays that never seem to work out.
I could simply assume, quite justifiably, that none of my tomorrows will be worth encountering… but the fact of the matter is that the actual logistics of suicide are simply overwhelmingly unpleasant, and i’m just not ready for the physical distress of actually forcing my body to die… even though my mind is ready to disintegrate and dissipate into unconscious eternal oblivion, and leave all this behind forever.
The body and mind are not aligned, and so i can neither advance nor surrender. My back’s against a wall and my face is full of torment, and any lateral motion would prove futile, and would only cost me energy and more hardship, without actually changing anything.
But, you know, hey… “maybe tomorrow…”
Maybe tomorrow is what I’ve been telling myself for the last 7 years since my last suicide attempt. For times it seems like things are starting to look up for me and it’s at that moment when life punches me right on my face to remind me it sucks. Now I’m just waiting to find the appropriate time to end it all
“…just when every day, seems to greet me with a smile! sunspots are faded, now i’m doin’ time…”