I hope it’s the same crowd of people. Most likely its not. It’s been almost a year or 2. Oh well, i’d like to continue my story.
I got pregnant in June. At the time it was the worst thing to ever happen to me. My boyfriend and I were fighting and I was thinking about suicide every night. Sitting on the bathroom floor with knees to my chest like in the movies. Bawling my eyes out with him only a room away knowing that he could care less.
I smiled when I saw the pregnancy test. It was all so bittersweet. I always wanted a baby but never had the guts to go out and deliberately TRY for one. (i’m 20). I didn’t want one with my boyfriend and I felt stuck. I was planning on moving out and here I was, trapped in a relationship with a friggin baby. In my head, I keep the baby, I keep my sanity. This baby was going to be my best friend.
Things patched up with my boyfriend really quickly (probably with baby in mind) and we watched on the sidelines as my waistline got bigger and the pressure piled on. I realized I wasn’t ready for a baby but I was going to do the best I could.
I felt beyond selfish. Whenever I felt a little down, I’d realize that suicide Isn’t an option anymore. Theres soon to be a little person to count on me and I’m stuck living life whether I enjoyed it or not. That was depressing.
I found myself talking to the baby a lot. I was alone 90% of the time and it became a habit. I’d tell her when I felt sad or what we’re about to eat. It put me at ease that someone was listening. (forced listening but that works for me too) I was strangely excited. We were towards the end of the pregnancy when it really started to dawn on me that the baby wasn’t someone we could afford. At least not now.
At 35 weeks I went into labor. It would’ve been no problem that she was coming a little early but excitement wasn’t warranted here. My little baby was born silent on the 4th of March. Now i’m alone again.
Its been about 2 weeks and I look down at my deflated belly occasionally and I have to remind myself that no one lives in there anymore. Nighttime gets lonely. When my boyfriend would ignore me or fall asleep, I’d feel her moving around and it made me smile. Now I’m alone. There’s not even a bassinet nearby to counteract that feeling with ear-piercing cries.
I think about suicide almost daily and it seems plausible. I can go back to my crazy life rotting my liver and smoking my lungs out. All the more reason to now I guess. I can start dressing slutty and some people even think that I should see this “experience” as a “new lease on life”. Like I’m supposed to be grateful for carrying a baby for 9 months and birthing her silent. It feels selfish to think so but I have this whole new body that aches in weird places, squirts and leaks from places it shouldn’t, sags where skin should be tight and these are supposed to be my badges of honor (signs of motherhood). I’ve upgraded to body 2.0 with no baby to show for it.
On the upside. Suicide is now a valid option again. I’m just not sure how I feel about it anymore.
Sorry so long. It may not make much sense but I had to tell someone.
If Dawg is still here… Hi =D
15 comments
Who’s Dawg?
someone that i talked to a lot on here when i was first getting into this site and meeting people
he’s like a sage
God knew it wasn’t right for either you or the baby, and spared you both.
He can forsee what life would have been like for all of you.
Its like my case…..
I lost my wife, at the time it was the wort thing, but later on I found she screwed half the town, so now I can say her being gone is for the best.
i’ve been hearing that God’s Plan card for 2 weeks. Takes my only form of comfort and sanity and for what? to flex his authority?
funny about the wife though
I think I remember you, your username certainly sparks some recognition
Wow, my deepest condolences, I wish I could give you a hug, not out of pity but out of respect, admiration, appreciation and genuine care (hugs)
I can more than imagine how an ordeal of this magnitude could foment a suicidal mindset and more, but perhaps you could use this experience as evidence that a transcendence of life exists beyond the mundane one you’ve settled back down to, in the form of purpose? The child you had served as this purpose, but you can still create one of a different type regardless of its absence
Does God have a favorite? I mean the whole process of life is give and take. So for someone to benefit in one area, means someone else will likely get a bad outcome as a result. Just hard to consider that one imaginary being has emphasis on so many things.
if i had to guess, under the assumption that a god exists, i would have to wager that god appears to favor “the fittest,” and those who possess both the means to achieve their desired ends, as well as the prioritization of self preservation.
Those who are most capable, but also know how to avoid catastrophic damage to themselves, or consequences from their actions.
In other words: the most “successful” people seem to be favored. Or they’re simply equipped to be successful, and have encountered environments and opportunities that allow them to flourish.
But if you scrutinize this, you’ll find that many people flourish through questionable or even reprehensible means… so it doesn’t seem to make sense that an all loving, all knowing, all powerful god, would actually “favor” those people. Instead, it would seem he is either unwilling or unable to make corrections.
Know God, have peace.
Don’t know God, ya won’t know peace.
It’s as simple as that.
(comon, you can understand English, can’t you?)
Throw all the events and circumstances in your life in a gap known as God? I suppose that would comforting if it was real.
C’mon. Just because I can’t prove that Santa Claus exists doesn’t mean he’s not real.
If I believe in Santa and he gives my life meaning, why can’t I persist in delusional faith based thought patterns?
(You understand logic, don’t you)?
If santa tells you to build bombs and kill non-believers, then I wouldn’t believe in him if I were you.
Nah, it’s usually the neighbors cat that tells me to kill people.
thanks so much
Hi Sophie – sorry for your loss … I wish I had something to say – but things like this happen for no particular reason … and certainly not because some imaginary deity made some judgement.
At one point, I “knew” god … and i realized he either reallyreallyreally sucks at his job … or he just doesn’t exist … guess which is more likely? 😉
mournful dawg