Wanting to be a Jane Doe

Just to give you a background on who I am, I am 21 years old, female and a college student.  I am not expecting to find answers here.  I just really want to be able to express my feelings to people who might understand.

Anyway, I’m not really sure how depressed I really am, but I suppose I’m depressed enough to want to hurt or kill myself.  I had a suicide attempt a few years ago.  (Somewhat long story that I don’t really want to elaborate on right now.)  So I kinda know when I might be tipping over the edge.  I’m not at that point yet, but I might be getting there.  One thing my suicide attempt left me with was the concrete proof that I have so many people who love me and would be hurt if I died.

I know they love me, and I love them too.  So much.  But I’m not sure how much longer I can take this depression.  It’s not even a depression I can understand since in most respects, I have a great life.  I have friends and family who love me.  I am blessed with skills and intelligence that practically guarantee my success in whatever career I choose.  But hell if I know why I feel like life is not worth living.

Lately, I’ve been imagining how I could possibly disappear and commit suicide in some unknown town where no one would be able to identify me.  I want to do this so that at the very least, I could somehow make my friends and family believe that I simply wanted to start a new life somewhere.  It’s better than them thinking that I killed myself.  It’s a pretty elaborate long-term plan where I plan to act for a couple of years that I’m all happy and then pretend that I have a job offer in some far off city and that I have to move.  In reality, I’ll go somewhere else where no one knows me.  Maybe another country even.  I’ll send my family a note saying I wanted to start a new life somewhere and then I’ll kill myself and hope no one finds me.  I have an online diary that I share with my best friends.  I plan to write some entries that will be posted automatically on set dates after my death so that they think I’m still alive and kicking somewhere.  It’s the only way I can think of right now that will let me kill myself without leaving too much devastation.

One reason I’m making this a long term plan is that I’m hoping I’ll get better sometime before then.  But honestly, I don’t have much hope.  Even after years of psychotherapy and medication, I’m not better.  And I’m getting so tired of fighting.