Brief History: I am a 24 year old male. I have had Major Depressive Disorder since a very young age. I began to have suicidal thoughts around the age of eight years old. At first it scarred me because my life seemed to be perfect. I was adopted into a loving caring wealthily family who supported me in every way. as time went on I saw numerous therapists, and continued to go to school. I was miserable but still had some hope that it would turn around. I had friends and was playing varsity sports and seemed on the outside to be fine. even made it to division 1 level. It is not like some horrible event happened or that i was a loser, it just came out of no where. Â I couldn’t seem to find anything that made me feel good. i started trying tons of new things like different kinds of sports, art, music, traveling, moving schools. nothing seemed to change my mood.
Treatment: I have been on countless medications ranging from antidepressants to antipsychotics. I have been to multiple treatment centers. Not just regular ones but the best ones in the world. I have been to Harvard, and other  places in California, Florida, New Yotk, and Maryland. they have changed my diagnosis many times, but they told me that i was literally the hardest patient they have ever tried to help. the doctors are baffled.
Alternative Treatments: Seeing that I was so resistant to treatment, I worked with a doctor from a very renowned school. He specialized in finding treatments for people like me. I worked with Ketamine treatments for depression, and then moved on to using psychedelics as a means of treatment. We used ayahuasca, psilocybin, and various others.  I have also done many others but these are the main ones.
about a year ago me and my mother came to the agreement that if no treatment works then she would figure out a way to let me go. But now that we are here, she is not ok with it. she sent me to another Treatment Center. I now know that she will never accept it so I’m going to have to go on my own terms..
SOO.. if you have tried every known method  to cure yourself and you are not any better is it ok to end it?
THERE ARE 4 STATES THAT ALLOW PHYSISIAN ASSISTED SUICIDE FOR TERMINAL Y ILL PATIENTS. ARENT I TERMINALY ILL. WTF IS THE DIFFERENCE.
13 comments
at any point you decide “enough is enough”…remember…you should look out for you above all.
Dear CMBLOST…..I, too, suffer from MDD. I know how you feel and how what it means to be at the end of your rope. I always hated it when someone would tell me to c
one of my favourite quotes on this kind of subject….
“… Above all, remember that the door stands open. Do not be more fearful than children. But, just as when they are tired of the game they cry, “I will play no more,” so too when you are in a similar situation, cry, “I will play no more” and depart. But if you stay, do not cry.”
Dear CMBLOST…..I, too, suffer from MDD. I know how you feel and how what it means to be at the end of your rope. I always hated it when someone would tell me to cheer up or some such nonsense. I, too, am treatment resistant. And that can make you feel so hopeless. My depression started 5 years ago, as a result of major heart surgery. So I don’t know what it’s like
Dear CMBLOST…..I, too, suffer from MDD. I know how you feel and how what it means to be at the end of your rope. I always hated it when someone would tell me to cheer up or some such nonsense. I, too, am treatment resistant. And that can make you feel so hopeless. My depression started 5 years ago, as a result of major heart surgery. So I don’t know what it’s like to suffer as long as you have.
Don’t make the decision to leave impulsively or suddenly. Make 100% sure there is no option or hope for a reprieve. I almost checked out about 6 weeks ago….everything was ready….and then, suddenly, something changed. I’m nearly 60 yrs old……there is a lot more time and opportunity for positive change in your young life. I have foundtalk
But the decision is yours. I don’t believe our diagnosis (MDD) fits the criteria for assisted suicide. I would never insult you by telling you can’t make the decision…..but I would never give you permission, either. The timing is entirely up to you, my friend.
Dear CMBLOST…..I, too, suffer from MDD. I know how you feel and how what it means to be at the end of your rope. I always hated it when someone would tell me to cheer up or some such nonsense. I, too, am treatment resistant. And that can make you feel so hopeless. My depression started 5 years ago, as a result of major heart surgery. So I don’t know what it’s like to suffer as long as you have. I have found talk therapy more beneficial than any pill.
Don’t make the decision to leave impulsively or suddenly. Make 100% sure there is no option or hope for a reprieve. I almost checked out about 6 weeks ago….everything was ready….and then, suddenly, something changed. I’m nearly 60 yrs old……there is a lot more time and opportunity for positive change in your young life.
But the decision is yours. I don’t believe our diagnosis (MDD) fits the criteria for assisted suicide. I would never insult you by telling you can’t make the decision…..but I would never give you permission, either. The timing is entirely up to you, my friend.
My best friend committed suicide on March 14th. She had an account on this website that i just came across and she had posted asking about ways she could do it, and my already shattered heart broke a thousand times more as i read the comments telling her how. As much as apart of me wants to respond with so much anger to anyone who encouraged her in how to end her life, a bigger part of me also breaks for all the others who were in her same numb state. She had talked with people about how she had shut her friends out in order for us to not feel as much pain, and she had also hoped that no one would find out because of her not responding for so long. If only she truly knew how far from the truth that really was. We could never ever ever just forget her.. we were so worried that we weren’t hearing from her and when we found out what happened.. my heart physically broke in two. No matter who you are, or how you have been treated, you are a beautiful person with beautiful potential. There is always hope as hopeless as things may seem. I use to be suicidal myself and struggled with depression for four years. I once too felt like things would never change or never get better. If my beautiful friend would have truly known how loved she was and how broken we are all now because of how much we miss her and want her back, she would have never ended her life so soon when there was so much more time for things to get better.
I mean this with my entire heart — if you need someone to talk to, even if you feel like there could be no comfort from a stranger, I assure you I genuinely care about a life that could possibly be lost, even if I have never met you. Everyone has a story and that story doesn’t have to end early or so tragically.
I will never be the same after losing my friend, and the pain we are now all in is greater than my friend ever imagined.
You don’t realize how valuable and precious you are. Your life is worth so much. Don’t let your circumstance or the people and awful things around you determine how good or bad things will be.
If you need someone to talk to, please talk to me. Do not give up. THERE IS HOPE. No matter what. No matter who you are. My email is theldbproject@gmail.com
wow i really appreciate you sharing all of that with me and offering support. and i am sorry how difficult it was for you to go through. I know that i will be hurting many people.the sole reason i haven’t done it yet is because of what it would do to my family and friends. i am living for my parents. they even agreed that they would allow me to kill myself after we exhausted all options. but now that we have, they are panicking. I now realize that they cannot except suicide. so ultimately its my decision. my parents call me selfish for leaving them and putting the through this horrible event. But that is pure hypocrisy since they are selfish for making me live a tortured miserable life just for their own pleasure. i am the least selfish person in the family. i do everything for my parents, i listen to everything they say and never argue. but its time for them to let me go. so they are selfish as well. What i always refer to is that terminally ill patients have the option to have doctors assist in suicide legally. what is the difference. they are in extreme pain and want to leave with dignity and i am in extreme pain and want to leave with dignity. same thing..
Thank you so much for the replies. I have found a chemical that induces peaceful painless death, so it feels good to know i can leave this world at a moments notice without any pain. Im gonna spend a few more weeks with the family and friends to say goodbye and then end it. I am truly ready to go, and i have no fear of what is to come. I just feel bad that I’m gonna have to deceive my family. if they knew my plan they would lock me up. and maybe one more LSD trip since that is the only pleasure i have ever experienced.
I understand that you are so frustrated and fed up living this way, but please don’t give up. Im sorry your family ever even suggested suicide being an option for you, because it should never be an option. But the fact they are taking it so seriously to not let you go shows how much they care and want you – even if they may suck at showing it in other ways perhaps – we are all human and mess up constantly and often don’t treat people how we should. But i promise you life can get better and you don’t have to end the only time you have here. Life doesn’t have to be like this forever you can change things. Pastor Rick Warren, whom you probably have heard of from saddleback church, just recently lost his son to suicide who had a mental illness so he finally just gave up – they have never been so broken and say how they will never be the same. But they have used the tragedy to start a whole thing at the church specifically for people with mental illnesses and have made it such a big known thing so anyone can get help if they need to. You may feel like you have tried everything, but you really haven’t because things haven’t gotten better yet – and there is always hope no matter what. Please do not give up, I truly care about you and have never met you. Im not sitting here talking to a stranger pleading for their life to do a good deed or benefit myself in any way – my heart breaks knowing you want to end your life, especially just after my best friend choosing to do the same.
Ibdproject, I’m sorry for you pain. Really. I wish your friend had found some help that actually HELPED. But for some, that just isn’t in the cards. And, while I sympathize with your pain, I sympathize even more with the pain of those of us who have been facing life-ruining depression for decades, exhausting treatment option after treatment option with no change (save a few bad drug reactions here and there). Frankly, you have no business promising people anything, especially not that there’s a cure out there for them. Because, for some people, there just isn’t. And those people have the right to end their pain.
i broke my hand today so it is very hard to type. i have read all comments and really appreciate the opinions and concern. i just wanted some neutral opinions because obviously those close to me are bias toward me staying here. so thank you for taking it seriously and being honest. i wish could respond to all comments, but have to wait a few days for my hand to heal. i hope all of u are happy and enjoying ur lives. because u seem so nice and helpful
Dear CMBLOST, did you leave us already or are you still with us? I am dealing with the same issues and could use someone like you to talk to, especially about the LSD treatments and such.