Awful..

I realized I want awful things to happen in my life, so it decipts how bad I feel inside. I want to hide behind an awful event so people think I have a reason to be sad, because people never believe feelings can get so painful, to the point you hurt physically. To the point you want to kill yourself. They need something concrete.
One year ago, my father died, and just a few minutes before I learned he had passed away, I found a small part of myself feeling okay with the prospective of him dying, so I could hide behind that event. Not to mention I didn’t feel as much pain as I usually feel with his death. My own parent died and I could handle it better than anyone because I’m used to a higher level of pain. I’m an awful person.