I’ve decided to create an account today, because it is my final attempt to have my voice heard. Efforts will be made to console and reassure me that the world of hell that I’ve been imprisoned in for twenty-two years is worth living; I’m beyond approach. I’m a girl who was born into a highly dysfunctional family, to a mother who showed nothing more than apathy towards me, to a fatherless home. That’s not why I’m here. My upbringing didn’t bring me to the place that I’m at right now.
My mother died when I was in twelfth grade and the depression and underlying psychological issues that was buried since childhood, emerged. I lived with my reverend aunt who turned out to be a bigger bigot than I thought possible and was kicked out of her home months after my mom, her sister, died because I’m an atheist and refused to go to church and praise a God I simply have a hard time believing exist- especially that Jesus is the son of God and whatever bullshit is spouted out of the mouths of the religiously insane.
My pride carried me into the streets of potential homelessness, but I was fortunately taken in by some good friends. I got my mothers life insurance money a couple of weeks later and moved into an apartment of my own while I finished high school. When I graduated, I decided to move to Los Angeles (I’m from Maryland). I moved to L.A and everything went even further down the drain. The people I’ve met either kept my depression dormant or added to it and made it worse, no one cared to help improve my situation. No one cared and I’m not just saying that because I feel that way, but literally I had and have no one in my life that cares. When I ever mentioned suicide to my closest friends, I was blown off like I was asking for unhealthy attention or like I would never do it because I’m too afraid – I’m not afraid. My threats should have been taken seriously, my calls for help should have been answered by people that I thought cared about me, but they weren’t. I then alienated myself completely, cutting mobile communication. I got involved with a guy who physically hit me and actually broke my teeth.
I now face homelessness for the second time in my life. This time I don’t have friends to take me in. I don’t have money because I blew the quarter million dollars of my dead mothers money. Now you can see another reason for my depression. There’s so much more with so many more details, but its all very long and pathetic. I’m consciously aware of my hand in all of this shit. My life full of mistakes that I’ve made and regrets I can’t run from. I have nothing left. All that’s left of me is the alternate life that I live in my head, where every decision that I’ve ever made, is the opposite. And alternately my life and my happiness/contentment in this world is a joyous one. Instead, after asking to be killed by something or someone for years, I’m forced to complete the task myself. Another hurdle of temporary agony before my lights turn off and I can sleep forever.
3 comments
When I read stories like yours, I don’t know what to say, but I think I should say something. All I can come up with is I hear you. I hope this isn’t your final attempt to have your voice heard, but if it is, I hear you well.
I hear you loud and clear. I have never had to really face homelessness, but I lived in L.A. for 8 years and I can vouch for the way the people there suck the very life out of you.
I, too, long to just be able to lay down and go to sleep. In spite of the unforeseen upward trend of my life, at present, I still wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up tomorrow. But at present, I’m not feeling the need to make that happen on my own.
I don’t have any words of wisdom to share with you, only a real empathy for your situation. And you will get no judgment from me. Only a solemn nod of understanding.
I hope you find your way out of this and can stay around to share your journey here. Because those who share have actually been a source of help to others here. I wish you nothing but good things.
Thanks for sharing your story.. it takes guts to tell a long tale like that. I really feel for your situation. I have had many hard times some similar to yours and I can say. it sucks when bad situations arrive in life… its especially bad when bad situations arrive in life that have been placed on us because of actions of other people and other situations that we have no control over. I came close to being homeless a time or three but luckily I either pulled through it myself or had somebody to help me. I hope that some help comes your way and you make it through it. I hope you don’t have to have any more sadness or grief come upon you. A person said something in this thread that hits the nail on the head where I am currently. >>> I wish I could just go to sleep tonight and not have to wake up. But I am not at the point of purposely causing that to happen. that is how I feel. But I hope and pray that things will get better for all of us and we will all have our share of happiness and good times.