I’m just tired.

I’ve attempted suicide before. One time I got really close. Each time I was young and didn’t know enough. The first time, I was twelve. I didn’t know you had to go up the road. The second, a couple years later, I wasn’t able to find the courage at the bottom of that deep bottle. The last time, I came really close. Put myself in a two day coma. I was 18 and still lived at home with my family and siblings. I even had a girlfriend. No one knew.

That was the last time. I got counseling, per my girlfriends request, after coming out to my parents about my depression. Lied to the counselor, honestly felt like she was just there to take the money from the $200/hour session. Nothing says I truly care and want to help like asking for a shit ton of cash. So after a couple months of that, I told her I was fine, worked through my problems, and she said ok. Never heard from her again. That was bullshit and a waste of time.

Except it did give me time to see there was a little more to live for a look forward to. Not that there wasn’t before. There always has been… there always will be. But it’s like the pain of living, of surviving, of walking through every single day…. it seems so long. So much. I don’t want to live any more.

I’m currently in college at a university and have never felt more alone in my life. I’m currently on academic probation, tens of thousands of dollars in debt, I live paycheck to paycheck. The job market looks seriously bleak and I really don’t like my major, but I am tired after 5 years of college… I just wanna graduate in a year… But that’s not looking very probable any more. Too many courses left and no money for summer classes. I quit smoking 2 years ago for my god daughter, was sober for over a year until I knew I could trust myself with alcohol. My girlfriend and I, after multiple ups and downs and being cheated on more times than I want to remember, are finally doing great. She’s finally actively treating me right; she’s finally ready to settle down….. it only took me really leaving for her to figure that out. My parents (well dad and step-*****) split last summer. Turns out after 16 years of marriage and a 20 year relationship all she wanted to do was go drink, party and do drugs. Who woulda guessed she would turn out like my own drunken, worthless bio-mom out there somewhere slowly drinking herself to death.

I’m really just tired. I held on, I got strong, I had an amazing time at Community College. I made love, found love, found myself, grew a family. Now I am away from all that and I see this stretch of life. It’s so short. I know I will soon be 80, look back, and wonder where my life went. If I hold on, I know that’s how it will be. My girl keeps telling me Im an old soul or someone trapped in the wrong time zone or I act too old for my age. Barely 23 and I act like I’m in my 40s. I don’t fit in with people my own age or anyone else for that matter. I have too much knowledge where it doesn’t matter for anyone really besides highschoolers or people just starting out in college. knowledge on life and finding yourself. Ha. I feel like a hypocrit every time I talk about that stuff. My problem, I have always been too smart for my own damn good, too adult, too mature. I knew too much about things I shouldnt have even been worried with from a young age. Im tired. Im tired of trying so hard. Im tired of struggling. Im tired of being disappointed. Im tired of getting hurt. Im tired of seeing this aweful world and knowing there is no where else to go. This is reality. This is life. We have no choice but to live it and make the most of it until we die and turn to ash. There is nothing more. I don’t believe in an afterlife. You’re just gone.

I have lived a thousand lives and lived in a thousand worlds. I have explored the vast stretches of time and space, the complex worlds within computers and micromolecules. I’ve climbed mountains and dived in the depth of the oceans. Seen amazing and beautiful things. Most of the time, I barely had to leave the safety of my own reading nooks to do so.

But now I’m tired. I’m ready for this life to be over. Every day people die of freak accidents. I wonder when will it be my turn. I want it to be an accident… so maybe then it wont hurt the people who love me as bad…. then they wont blame themselves. But Im getting tired of waiting. Those cliffs I sit on to escape the noise of the city around me are starting to become more appealing as more than just a place to rest. Perhaps they may become a final resting place. I just don’t want to do this any more. I don’t want to live any more. I wanted to be a mom and a grandma, watch my sisters grow up, be there for my father when his mother dies, buy a house with my girl and get married, have a garden and a library. But not any more. What’s the point of waiting for an empty house and sticking around for family when you can’t be there for them anyways. I’m just tired. And I’m ready for it all to end.