whenever i  get into really deep thoughts i always end up laughing. laughing at the absurdity of it all, laughing at the absurdity of my efforts, laughing at the absurdity of my suffering. i suffer because i am human, because i have to survive. had this survival thing not there i would laugh my way in and out of this world. all my reasoning regarding my suffering ends (i.e. starts) with this survival thing. my whole evolution is based on this thing. all my hate, all my animal instincts are based on this single thing. i think if we could somehow get over this one thing, then humans will really turn into gods, not just superficially but in their minds too. “great things have small beginnings”. look what can a single food struggle turn into… into a whole human mess!
i cannot be irrational. i cannot follow worldly ways for obtaining food and then spend rest of my time in pure state. either one way or other. either i will remain pure all the time or no time. they can do this. they can cut throats during business time and act like all loving, all god praying at home.
but i also cannot follow ways of purity while remaining at home. i simply… cannot. i have been trying to do only that since last 4 years. and i have failed, utterly failed, miserably failed. i have tried, as deeply as i could, to find reasons of it :-
a) i have this eternal, incorrigible hate for society.
b) bondage from my parents.
c) my being human.
d) survival problem, as discussed above.
i am not sure which one of them is right, or, to be more precise, deeper. i have unconditional hate for society, but then society is not a thing, its more like an idea. my direct reasons of failure are, i think, my parents. i feel under them, i feel like they own me, that i have a responsibility towards them. and i cannot get over this feeling, simply because i have no reason in my favor. they created me, thus they own me. simple as that. remaining with them means working according to them… it essentially means becoming one of them. i am attached to them and other of my known people. i have strings connected to them. that’s what being attached to means: it means becoming like them; owning a part of them. i spend time alone, think, decide how i will behave from now onwards, but the moment i interact with them all my decisions and willpower go away and i become like them, influenced by them. i simply cannot help this change. and my failure in this direction everytime has made me believe that it simply is not possible, that you cannot interact with others without this gain and loss of being. i may be wrong, but in any case I cannot do it.
Thus i must run away.
It was raining today. and how can rain not put me into deep thoughts. watching those trees swinging with the flow of wind along with all their leaves as if dancing with such.. random beauty makes me… flow with them. my mind goes up and down as the trees move back and forth. those drops on my face as if washed away all my humanness too and thus i got temporarily free of this filthy body and became free to think freely. ah thinking is such a small word; its more like having revelations expounded from somewhere deep unknown. i had to gasp for breath as the thoughts became more deep and more heavy. they look like of such brilliance that i feel like if i could apply even one of them in my life my whole life will become … well… easy and deep and of worth. my thoughts are limited by their practicability. i am not a philosopher simply because i don’t go there where my body cannot follow. and all the time i was laughing. it looks so easy man! i laugh and wonder at my everyday life and of its miserability. i laugh at my sufferings. but atleast this time i was bold and hard enough to acknowledge my limitation and conclude the concreteness of my inability to not change in front of others. otherwise i always used to conclude that i will try harder next time.
i also realized that i still have purity in me. oh how glad and relieved i am seeing this. i was so lost in the maze of world that i had almost completely forgotten my earlier state and way of thinking. i thought that i will never be able to get it back. but today amid the beauty and play of nature when i forgot myself i got my previous state back, if only temporarily. i realized that these states are not lost but only forgotten. they don’t replace the previous one, they only overshadow it. i guess i am lucky to have things that brings me out of it. but they are never able to do it fully and soon i come back to the same wretched state because ultimately i am “human, all too human”.
so all in all the conclusion of all this is that i have to run away there is no other way. it is nothing in front of you people’s decisions. but i have always considered running away as my alternative to suicide. it is suicide to me; i won’t be the same after it. my this self will die. i will be reborned. a free spirit not limited by human limitations (because there will be no survival struggle) and thus free to go with my deepest instinct – will to freedom.
4 comments
Good luck running. Good luck being reborn. Have fun as a free spirit and good luck in finding a place with no struggle. There is only one place I have only heard about where there is no struggle yet you can still be standing on the earth, breathing with a heart beat. Where is this one place? Tell me, tell me!!! you must be running to this place.
Hm, I guess I incorrectly assumed you were older than you really are because there’s always a lot of deep thoughts in your posts, but you’re still bound up at home with your parents? Maybe you’re younger than I thought. Finally getting out on your own isn’t exactly a miracle cure. Suffering can still find you. I get what you are saying though about how being around other people distracts you from who you really want to be through influence. You can sit in a room alone and try to have some realizations about yourself and about life, but when you leave that room and always have to deal with family etc it’s easy to forget all the decisions you’ve made. I was glad to get away from my family but there’s always a new form of suffering just waiting around the corner. If you’re trying to achieve or follow the zen state of mind then the goal might be to learn not to suffer while still staying right where you are right now. Because the belief that “if I just do this I’ll be happy”, “if I just change this I’ll suffer less”, is ultimately where suffering comes from. Human life is one long list of constantly seeking happiness from something else and never finding it. So maybe getting away from your family isn’t the cure. Or maybe it is.
You’re right that the appropriate behavior, when possible, is to laugh at all of this. It is all absurd. I hate when I let myself be too much of a whiny human and get too caught up in this illusion of life that I actually start to suffer, I sit here and get sad or cry or feel angry. I much prefer the moments of clarity when I realize none of it is worth being mad or sad about. Just laugh, because it’s all ludicrous. I’ve been struggling with that lately. More often I am taking myself seriously and believing that my life is supposed to mean something and getting angry or sad over it. I wish I was more skilled at getting back to the state of mind where I remember just to laugh at it.
It’s funny how you talk about this main “survival issue” and that if humans could get past it, perhaps they could be god-like. I have had similar sounding thoughts, ironically sometimes I interpret it as maybe suicide is actually the closest thing to any type of enlightenment. Getting over our own stupid sense of self-importance, always have justifications for why we need to be alive and how important we are to the world, maybe enlightenment that so many people talk about is really accepting that there is no reason to live. Not a crying, emotional, messy suicide. A suicide where you chuckle at how stupid this all is and that you ever thought any of it mattered, before blinking out of existence.
I know how you feel about not being able to balance what society expects of us during certain hours of the day compared to when we go home. I never had that “killer instinct” that it takes to do well at a job, I don’t like selling things to people and lying to them, I don’t like competing with the other employees to see who can kiss the most butt, and like you said – I don’t like that you’re supposed to go home after work and be able to be loving and happy. I’m the same way, I can’t manage to do two things at once, I’m either a corporate robot who is miserable going to and from work every day, or I let myself try to be a free spirit which entails having no job and no money, which just leads to a different kind of suffering. But I hate trying to be part of the normal world, so I prefer the suffering of feeling alone and left out of it all.
Himalayas
I am 22. i also think i am still a kid and that am before my age. but that’s because i can’t relate with others. older ones expect me to do things like them but i don’t. i purposely don’t. i don’t want to grow up their way. either i will grow my way or i will remain kid. they’re dead man! so asleep. what can i learn from dead people. i learnt this lesson long ago when they used to fool me everytime in the name of being more experienced.
that’s one of my worst fears man! what if getting away didn’t solve the problem. maybe you are right; maybe it will give birth to a new kind of suffering. afterall “i” will remain the same. maybe its just romantic of me to think that i will change after running away. but atleast there will be some change, isn’t it? nothing is going to change if i remain here, i am sure of that.
getting away from parents is a great thing i suppose. running away is not the same as moving out. in moving out we get away from parents only physically; they still remain there in our mind. but in running away we snap all our connections with them. this act of rebelling snaps their link from our mind too. that’s why i want to run away and not move out after getting a job. i still have time to do this act because i am still studying. well that’s what i think. i don’t know if it will go as i am imagining.
you, spiritdying (i like this one more), are one person who actually understands me word by word. you get everything i am saying. you don’t know how much this thing matters to me. i am able to relate with you. you think in the same way as i think. we have so many similarities!