Tonight was interesting. I found out my mom had been married before, in college. And that my father was a complete pot head. And so was every other man my mom had dated before. And that my uncle was a very popular weed dealer in southern Arkansas. My cousin doesn’t know, but my uncle had been married before to a total ***** and he doesn’t want Natalie to know. I really don’t like secrets much less keeping them. I wish my mom hadn’t told me that because I will probably end up fucking shit up again. Sad night. Its actually pretty funny I wasn’t invited to smoke pot with the guy of my dreams but that my best friend was. Its really fucking with me to watch them flirt all the time but it my fault for subjecting myself to it. I will always be the lonely fat girl thats just kind of there. That is what terrifies me about life the most. The fact that it might not ever get better. wow. Actually scares the shit out of me to think I will end up married to a man that sits on his ass all day. I want the life all my friends will end up living but I doubt any guy could love me the way they could Jaci or Adrienne. Back to the weed invitation, why would she even talk to me about it? okay. I fucking understand you are a goddess and I am a pig. It was more than enough for him not to like my back, but for her to start liking him? Its been too much for me this past week and I know I’m not over it but I will keep pretending like I am until I actually am.
These past weeks, Taylor has helped me more than anyone has my entire life. I mean yes, I do want to hang myself in my closet but he makes me seem like Im not the freak I think I am. I want so badly for he to stay happy and to never have another bad day. Because he deserves happiness. Maybe thats why I do feel as bad as I do, perhaps I am undeserving?