I’m such a fuck up I can’t even kill myself right..
I’ve tried 7 times and I’m still here….
3 of my friends have done it..
Why can’t I?
They say it has to get worse,
Before it can get better.
I say, “how much worse?”
“How long will it take?”
It’s been 6 years.
But here I go again.
Faking this smile.
Hiding the pain.
No one sees through.
No one cares to.
19 comments
Hello,
I’ve tried 2 times myself. I tried really hard the 2nd time but I woke up after being unconscious for 5 hours. I spent time in psych wards after that and met some good people there. There are people that are so sensitive that they are a harm to themselves. Every suicidal person I’ve met has been a genuine and kind person who lets other people, many times assholes get to them too much. One thing that has helped me in a strange way is realizing that most people really don’t give much of a shit about me, so I stopped needing them to. I’ve always been kind to a fault, allowed people to walk on me. Sometimes we need to fight off imbicils and insensitives, or just ignore them. It takes a lot of energy to fake a smile. Take care of yourself and spend some time in nature. Very nice poem.
I’ve self harmed since the 2nd grade.. there are things about me and my past that no one knows. My family doesn’t even know 99% of it.. My family is always making fun of suicide and mental illnesses and self harm. They knew that I cut myself freshman year (I’m not a junior), but they don’t know that I have attempted, they don’t know that I still struggle with self harm, that I hear voices and see things, that I go weeks at a time without sleep, that I feel like I’m just going to break at any minute. I’ve written suicide notes, I’ve taken pills, drank alcohol, sliced my skin, burned my flesh, everything I can think of, but nope. Nothing I do seems to work. I’ve never been to a hospital for it because I just never tell anyone. I fake the flu or anything I can when I fail. No one ever sees through.. and it sucks.
Suicidal people are not kind. They are cruel and selfish. They are wanting to leave their problems with the people who love them, And the family who has to live with it will have to suffer. How is that kind?? Thats FUCKED UP!!! DONT DO IT!
sorry for being cruel and selfish?! thanks for calling my 3 friends cruel and selfish?! and if the family is abusive and causing their child to contemplate suicide then they can deal with the pain that gets left behind. People like you us EXACTLY why I don’t talk about it!
Mossm2….With respect (you might want to look up the meaning of that word and how/when to properly use the concept)….
I would hazard a guess you have not done any research on the SCIENCE of suicide and what physical changes occur in the brain that make a person susceptible to dying by suicide. Not everyone has people in their life who love them but are totally alone and isolated. Can you explain who the suicide would leave behind in a cruel and selfish way, on whom they would be dumping their problems?
The view you express is an old and outdated view held in a time when there was no research into the causes of suicide. And it might interest you to learn that religious organizations no longer stigmatize the person who dies by suicide by refusing to bury them in consecrated ground. And that’s because they have learned that a suicidal death is the result of a brain illness and NOT a character defect or weakness or intentional act of selfishness.
May I respectfully suggest that if you are not here to help in a positive way or to express your own struggle with depression, your presence here is inappropriate, as is your comment above. You are not helping, you are making things worse. And THAT…is cruel and unkind and disrespectful in the extreme.
Rachel, please don’t let that unkind and totally ignorant comment upset you. Please remember there are legions of people who DO understand and want you to be happy. It’s not selfish to put yourself first while you are enduring dark times…..you are important, have a valid point of view and a right to be heard. Sometimes those things don’t come easily or when we want them to. But you have to think about what it takes to keep you safe and take baby steps to get out of the darkness. Keep on doing whatever it takes to stay alive and totally disregard the informed, ignorant and disrespectful comments of people who are either cruel or damaged themselves.
My own personal hell and struggle with major depression disorder started 5 years ago….I’m 59….I honestly and seriously believed that at my age, it DOESN’T get better…..boy was I wrong. You have so much more time to make it out of the darkness alive than I do. There will be good times and really shitty ones….work the baby steps you discover to get out of the darkness and trust they will lead out to safety. Hang in there my young friend.
No my mother and 2 brothers killed their selves. I have to live with it!!! I have to cry and be sad. They don’t! They were selfish! What they did to me and my family was cruel! It’s not fair!! I was abused- told I was dumb, but I stuck it out! I didn’t have my family suffer for my pain!
I have had 3 VERY close friends commit suicide. my sister has been suicidal in the past. and my friends may not have been actual family by blood, but 2 of them were like family.. I knew one of them for 6 YEARS and I was incredibly close to him. but I never thought they were selfish. unless you have been suicidal for a number of years with little to no improvement kindly shut up. It is a darkness that surrounds the mind. patterns in your brain waves change and you physically feel as though you cannot escape. it’s a terrible feeling. I’ve been suicidal for 5 years. It’s not even that you want to die or that you want others to suffer. you just want it to end. you want the sadness, numbness, and every other emotion at once to stop. you want those feelings of sheer emptiness to END. and most of the time suicide seems like the only way out. I put everyone before myself… always… ALWAYS.. I stayed up for a week straight with my best friend helping her through her suicidal thoughts ans actions despite the fact that I was having my own problems. I was going through my own stuff but I did everything in my power to help her. even though it meant hurting myself emotionally and verbally. so don’t you dare call me selfish for being suicidal. I know what it’s like to lose someone who’s close to you to suicide. I’ve lost 3. and one of them I was on the phone with them when it happened.. I can still hear it in my head. I hear voices and see things that no one else does and it’s a terrible TERRIBLE thing.. sorry for once actually putting myself first and trying to work through this by reaching out, telling a bit of my story, and talking to other people who understand what it’s like to be suicidal. If you are trying to help then you don’t know how to help. telling me that I’m being selfish ISN’T A WAY TO HELP.
No, they view I express is one that I experience through my mother and 2 brothers selfishly leaving me! I had to literally pick my brothers brains of the ceiling and wast his blood off the walls? I guess that was sweet of him to me me have to do that? No, IT WAS CRUEL! I will never forget his brain splatter!
Had to say this, you are not cruel and selfish. It can be seen both ways, since it would be cruel and selfish for the person to endure pain in order not to harm their loved ones. But help exists, and it can take a long time for things to get better, but that doesnt mean it can’t happen. Nothing is for certain but the chance is there. I remember someone close to my family that struggled with depression and attempted suicide on a regular basis, for almost 8 years, nobody thought he would get his life together but he continued trying to do so. Now he stopped trying and lives normally, found things that make him happy at times, etc. What i mean is the possibility is there, and it’s your choice to keep trying if you want to. Oh, and don’t feel bad for failing suicide… it’s not an easy thing to accomplish, even if everything is well set up it can still fail.
Killing ones self is ignorant! It DOSENT solve any problem!
I’m sorry if I come across mean, but I’m trying to be honest! I hope you see through my post the pain and anger I now have bc of suicide. I hope you see how it stays with living people forever! Depression can pass. They way I feel NEVER will!
and again.. I’ve lost people to suicide (I mentioned it in this post) I know that it stays with the living forever. believe me I KNOW
@mossm2: I understand you say that because of what you’ve gone through, and i’m sorry about that, it’s not easy to lose a family member that way (i have, many years ago). But that doesn’t mean you should tell people what to do with their lifes. I say this in a good way, if you really want to share your thoughts and opinions maybe you could make your own post and tell your story. Going around people’s posts and calling them names won’t help much.
You are probably right. But it makes me so angry that people just throw their lives away. We only get one.
Mossm2….M’s advice is very good, and for your own sake I urge to you take it. What you were doing was inflicting your pain on someone else….someone who already has their own huge pain to deal with. You help no one by such behavior.
Having said that, knowing your story makes a huge difference in how people are going to react when you express your own pain. One thing you have GOT to get into your head is the understanding that when someone dies by suicide, they don’t actually want to die….they want the pain to end. I know, I have been there as recently as January and February. This is a brain illness and the sooner you can accept that the people who died this way were not able to understand the larger ramifications of their actions the sooner you will be able to deal with the horror of what happened. They don’t feel they are throwing their lives away but ending a pain that makes their life worthless. There is a difference.
Since 1990, I have lost 5 friends to suicide and now struggle with MDD myself. In my case I am lucky to know and understand how I got this way. What happened to you was not an intentionally cruel act. The act affected you in a cruel way….there is a difference. You mustn’t transfer the cruelty of the affect onto the act itself. Or you will never be able to heal in anyway. You need serious and ongoing counseling.
Those who are left behind will never move on or achieve closure because they have been affected in ways that are just impossible to forget. But the pain of remaining behind can change to something else and allow the person to live from a different perspective.
Instead of lashing out in anger against a suicidal person (so destructive and only makes things for both of you worse), perhaps you can find a way to reach out and help the person get through the dark time….that can be restorative and healing for both of you.
I am deeply sorry for what has happened to you and really do want you to achieve a stability that can help you see with a different set of eyes….understand and seek to be a source of support.
You guys are absolutely right and I’m sorry. I’ve just been having a really shitty couple of weeks. I was very close to my last brother who died (Jan. 6) and it just sucks. I shouldn’t take it out on these people. I think I just was because I can’t yell at my brothers and mom. And I have been suicidal. I tried to kill myself when I was only 12. I don’t even know how I knew what it was back then. I am really sorry for hurting any of you.
it’s okay. and I am VERY sorry for your losses. I just wanted to make sure you knew that I have lost people as well and that I know how hard it is on the people left living. and have self harmed since the 2nd grade. I just didn’t know it back then. I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life so I understand what it’s like to be suicidal at a young age.
It’s fine, mossm2. At first I thought maybe you were just a total dick, but nah, you’re just pissed, and that’s understandable. The “just deal with it, shit happens” mentality certainly has its place in this world, because like it or not this world is a harsh and fucked up place. But this is just part of our attempt to deal with it. Talking, listening, ranting, making random stupid jokes, it helps sometimes, man. That’s why we’re here.