I feel like I’m moving through molasses.
Everything is drawn out so unnecessarily. They’ve been telling me for years that we will be moving, whether we want to or not. We don’t have a choice in the matter, thanks to the bank owning our house. It’s like waiting in a state of constant anticipation. It’s exhausting, really. So I shelve the thoughts and trudge forward. It’s not like I can predict the future or change what is inevitably going to happen. I’ve had to accept it and press on. Yet, it remains a small weight that I carry around on my chest.
This attitude has been a constant theme in my life for the last couple years, and the weight has gotten heavier and heavier. I try to shrug it off little by little, I even tried giving it to God at one point, but that ended up falling through.
I’ve noticed that despite my efforts, I really dont handle life’s obstacles very well. It could be something small that happens, nodescipt in another’s eyes, and yet it will plague me afterwards for hours or days on end. But it is never just one little thing, it is all the little things added together, piled on top of the weights that have already been built into my chest that cause me to stumble.
And I’ve been stumbling a lot lately.
All I can think is “fuck this, I’m done.”
Its been a mantra that I’ve found myself thinking throughout the day a lot lately and I just want to escape. But there is so much fear involved. My life is moving too quickly and yet too slowly at the same time. I’m graduating high school in 2 months and while I want to be done––and I’m so close to being done––I have this terror that I wont be able to survive in the real world. This depression will consume me while I am away from the comfortable shambles of my life and I fear I wont be strong enough to maintain the weight of this burden. I’m the burden. There is no separation between the two. How can I escape myself? How can I escape something that I dont have a choice in? What do I do when there is nothing left stopping me from killing myself?
It’s funny, in a not-so-funny way, that it is when my life is finally starting to look better that I get worse. Is it a choice? I suppose I do control it, for the most part. But how can you change when you’re not so sure you want to change? After suffering from various levels of depression for the past six years, I sit in the comfort of my own misery. I don’t know who I am without this fear and anxiety plaguing me.. and even though I laugh a lot, I dont remember the last time I was happy. And while I do want to be happy, there is this voice inside my head that tells me no matter how hard I try, even if I do escape the loving grasp of depression, it’ll be back. It may be weeks, months, years, or half a lifetime, but this depression will swallow me whole, whether I want it to or not.
2 comments
hey, if your future is looking good for you, you’ve got a lot to lose if you’re thinking about killing yourself. just think about how amazing your life will be as soon as you hit the top. you’ve already survived high school, which is more than i can say for myself. you will be amazing in life, and you will succeed. maybe you’ll marry and have a family to support one day, or maybe you’ll get promoted to the top job. either way, your life will get better even if it doesn’t seem like it. your mood, will get better too as you slowly realize that how wonderful your life is. and even if you are a molasses, just remember what Aesop said, “Slow and Steady wins The Race.”
Welcome to the roller coaster ride called LIFE. Strap yourself in, hang on tight, keep your eyes open and try to enjoy the ride.
Your right. The fear, anxiety and depression become a normal way of being. Ya can’t even imagine life without it. It’s a self fulling prophesy. How do you pull yourself out of the muck? That, my friend, is the $64,000 dollar question. Prescription drugs, alcohol, religion, money, sex, food everyone on this planet is trying to find the perfect combination to keep from being swallowed whole. Your not alone, if that’s a comfort.