Atelophobia: the fear of imperfection, of not being good enough.
Today was great so why do I still feel like a worthless piece of shit? I worry more and more about weather or not I am going to kill myself. I no longer have a happy place to take me away from myself for a while. I feel it is almost necessary now to do it sense everyone is expecting me to. But the secret is I don’t want to die, I want to be happy. I want to wake up in the mornings with a smile and for the voice in my head to point out what I am doing right. Life without me wouldn’t become better but it won’t get worse. I am a burden with my problems to the people around me and a cold, hard *****. Im always pointing out flaws in other people. The cuts are getting deeper and life is only getting harder. I have done everything recommended to me, one pill a day, list of good qualities. I do pop the pills and sometimes if I take more than the one I feel human again between the parts of throwing the past meal up. Everyone is leaving me. My mom has a new family, Taylor never needed me, Adrienne got the one guy I ever really wanted, Jaci has Franky. And I , I have a therapist and my thoughts. Lately, I have been picturing what my friends would do if I did leave. I know he would laugh, some would cry, and one might come with me. But most said they had no idea it was coming, if they really knew the real me they would understand that no one wants an escape more than I do. I have no real reason to feel this way, all I know is that I do and it is complete shit.
2 comments
At least, you have had a great day. I can’t remember the last time I had one 🙁
I am truly sorry. No one deserves the shit that we are going through. My problems are too petty for me to even worry about. But sometimes its real deep shit. Lately, I feel as if I have been sabotaging my own self due to how low of a self esteem I have. Great days are mixing with the bad days and I can’t tell the difference. I look in the mirror and I am not at all who I thought I was. I feel like I’m not even supposed to be alive. I don’t even know you, but I think you deserve to have only happy days now until forever. Good luck on your journey through this almost infinite hell. We just have to get through the bad before we can even taste a piece of the good.