Today I realised why I always assume people hate me and why I try and make them hate me.
I realised that I’d rather people feel something towards me, be that hatred or otherwise, than be indifferent towards me.
I think hatred is one of the easiest emotions to express too, and so that’s why I chose it.
I’d find it a lot easier to tell someone that I hate them than I love them, for example.
But I always used to fall out with people over stupid things and I think that was my attempt at making them hate me because I had started to like them and get close with them. And I didn’t want my relationship with them to end with indifference. So, I’d rather them feel something completely negative towards me than nothing at all.
Which is stupid and probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, but, now I think I’ve become indifferent to people altogether, which is my own fault really. But it’s horrible to see people click together and seeing friendships being formed because I don’t think I will ever really be able to handle that. Even if I had common interests, or whatever with someone, I don’t think I could handle the pressure of a relationship.
Like it’s got to the point that everyone, anyone, could die tomorrow and the only reason I’d feel sad is because it wasn’t me.
I can’t even stand leaving the house anymore but at the same time I can’t stand being here when my family are around. The only time I feel okay is when you enter my house and no one is here. Where it is quiet–where I feel safe. Nothing can get me, no one can bother me. It is just me and my mind. Sometimes it’s frightening, when I get so impulsive I don’t know what I’ll do next but sometimes it’s so peaceful, just laying still listening to everything going on around me. People who love me tell me “you will get better”, but I know that they do worry I will not, I know I’m too much trouble.
Living is just getting harder and harder, nothing makes sense right now. Breathing does not make sense and walking is hard. Usually I cannot remember when I last ate, may have been two minutes ago, may have been two days ago. My bed is never made because you are usually laying in it or I will be soon. But eating is hardest. I eat too much or too little. Nothing is balanced. My parents try to make me eat and friends try take me out of the house. They don’t realise the difficulty of it all, the difficulty of moving is too much at times. Weeks pass, they feel like months, like years.
The simplest questions they ask are dreaded, how are you, what’s up, are you okay, how have you been? Why can’t they ask if you have risen from bed lately, eaten anything, smiled? Human things that make me feel normal.
I hate that moment when I start to feel okay for a while, as fucked as that sounds. I never know whether to smile because in this moment I feel good or to cry for fear that it will happen again.
That fall from happiness back in to depression, the fall from grace, is unbearable.
I know if jumped back and forward in here a lot and when of topic completely, I always do though, it’s like my trademark. Haha
8 comments
“I think hatred is one of the easiest emotions to express too, and so that’s why I chose it.”
That’s a great statement that you chose hatred. You’re aware that you’ve chosen hatred. How cool is that. Most people just slide into hatred and get engulfed in it, get swept away by it. Most don’t actually choose hatred. But you do. That means you can also not choose it. How about them apples?
Them apples are bitter and full of spiteful little seeds that get stuck in your teeth. Yech.
I love apples, someone I know calls me pomme, which is French for apples, also it kinda sounds like pum.
I don’t think it’s as easy as not choosing hate, I think hate has become a sort of coping mechanism. It’s easier to blame my lack of interpersonal relationships on my hatred of everything. I think that some emotions are addictive, maybe that’s not the right word to use, I think comfortable might be a better word?
It’s like how sadness is familiar. It’s comfortable and it’s easy in a sense that it comes naturally to me. But everything else about it is hard. addicting, because I know sadness, and I know it very well. And there’s a sort of comfort in that, like being home after a trip or sleeping in your own bed after being away. There’s just a sense that this is where I belong. This is how it’s supposed to be.
Hatred is like that too, but it’s one I can choose to feel, it’s one I can blame on everyone.
My attention span is too poor to actually make sense, it makes what I say hard to follow too, so apologies.
“Wherever you go, there you are!”
There is no supposed way things should be, there is how things are, how they were, and how they will be. You’re in charge of directing that ship. I’ve found the hardest part about it is when you’re on a causeway with a bunch of other ships, and they’re all crowding you in one particular direction – makes it feel like that’s just a course of nature, the path of least resistance. But the path of least resistance is the open ocean. There’s a lot of resistance on a causeway.
I don’t make sense, I should not be allowed near the internet 😮
I just type out the nonsense that is my head haha
Don’t we all? 😛 You make plenty of sense. lol
That’s true, I guess.
I’m too paranoid that I don’t make sense all the time. I always stress that people don’t understand me, and they’re all like wut is she at.
Also on a positive note I solved an equation I couldn’t do for like a week and now I feel like a math God!
I think you make a lot of sense in your postings – you’re rather articulate for a math god (all hail the pumster!). Haha..