it feels weird being back on this website, but Im back to the place where i need it.
i guess a little update on my life then, although Im pretty sure nobody cares.
lately, like in the past month or so, Ive been more depressed than i ever have been in my whole entire life. even though Im living at my dads now, which is everything i wanted, it still didnt fix anything. i pushed away all my friends and family and i just sit in my room all day watching YouTube videos. I cant even think about the future anymore, even though everyone says it gets better after high school, it doesnt even seem fathomable that i will ever make it out of high school
i dont even want to get out of bed in the morning, i just want to lay in bed all day and never face the world
but anyways yeah
rant over
sorry if you really didnt care and you wasted like 3 minutes reading this
4 comments
I’ve made my account to give you response.
Please forgive my language. I’m not native English and I was repeatedly informed that my expressions are obscure regardless of languages.
Anyway.
I went back to read your story to understand you better. I can understand this desire to not be healthy. I have it since I was, say, fifteen. It might start before that but that’s when I could truly see it. I have a strong desire of self-destruction, but not in a sudden suicide way yet something seems to stop me from going all the way with it.
I suspect that I want my death to be ‘interesting’ or ‘meaningful.’ I don’t want to be one of that guy who commit suicide and then be a target of mockery or disdain. I don’t want people to say something along the line of ‘Oh? That guy? Yeah, he’s the dude who kill himself. Coward. He choose an easy way out.’ I want my weak corpse and say ‘This is not the easy way. My death is struggle far beyond your comprehension, no, in fact, my very life is a struggle far beyond your comprehension. Judge me! But not by looking at the hands which kill me but by looking at how the deed is done.’
But this is hard. I don’t know whether you feel the same way about death like I am. I see that you don’t want to get out of ed. That is the case with me too. I feel like I don’t have energy to do that and I’m dread to face the world. I can chat with people. I can make new “friend.” But I know that if I reveal my “true” self to them, they will be disgusted. They will look at me in horror. They will cite a lot of people who face worst fate than me.
And survive.
But that is exactly my point. I don’t want to survive. I don’t want to be recognised as brave man. I laugh at them who admire those whom “stronger” than them but pretend to not understand someone whom “weaker” than them. ‘Yes,’ I told them countless of time, ‘I am weaker than you. You’re the maker of English language so I’ll leave you to define “weak” and “strong,” “brave” and “coward.” Nevertheless, your words have no meaning to me. You associate “commit” with crime and suicide. Fine! I want to commit a crime!
This is tiring.
I’ve noticed this a while ago that my attitude has took a toll on me. It makes me feel like I don’t have energy to get out of bed. I would like to sleep for eternity. I feel like I pick a fight with the entire world. This makes me feel like every time I face someone, they take something every from me, my energy perhaps. I feel like no one understand me. Some understand my logic. Some even think I’m insightful. However, no one understand why a person would want to be in such situation.
I don’t want to be in such situation.
But who can I possibly be but me? And who is me but this person who resides in such situation?
Are we the same? I want us to be the same. Does my narrative resonates with you at all?
we are EXACTLY the same. i don’t want to be some statistic teen who commits suicide like all of them. i want to be remember, i want a noble death worth remembering. unfortunately, opportunities like that are rare. i also do not have the energy to get up and do anything, not because Im lazy, i just cant face the world.
It gets better I hope. I’m at that point in my life as well. I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to shower, and I don’t want to eat. Nor do I want to take my meds. I want to run away and forget this life god has given me. I’ve hoped that is I dis god he would take me from this hell. Of course it doesn’t work, but you can’t blame a gal for wishing.
i mean i don’t believe in god
but other than that
i completely get you man!