Isn’t is funny how easily auto-pilot comes on in the very darkest of days? The lies flow so smoothly. I talk about fixing my car, getting an apartment. I continue my discussions about long-term career goals. All the while, I stare at the person I’m talking to, wondering distantly if this will be the last time I talk to them. It’s just that everyone seems so far away at this point. My plans have become my obsession. I have tunnel vision. Besides a vague, quickly released thought, I can’t allow myself to think too deeply about them and the effects my actions will have. But sometimes, the guilt still becomes overwhelming. I’ve learned to numb it. Autopilot through these days.
I wrote my note with life insurance and work contact information last night. I’m just waiting now for the online order to come in. I know nothing will stop me once I have access to my means for death. The only lapse in my plan is location. It’s a constant source of anxiety that I haven’t figured it out yet. I need time alone for this to work. But due to my living circumstances, this is almost impossible. Wander into some woods? I don’t want a missing persons fiasco. I was going to check into a hotel instead of going to work. But as luck would have it, I have family staying in the local hotel in my small town.
I just need to get through these last few days. Hopefully, no longer than that. I can’t bear to do this any longer. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve been holding on forever. Autopilot.