But I need support…

As a mmo gamer I find myself tragically stuck in the role of tank. I can’t help but feel life beats on me a little more than others. It is selfish to think that way, because everyone is fighting their own battles, playing their own parts, but sadly I think I am just to perfectly fitted to this part. My nature is to protect, to take the first hit, the last, and each one in between. I feel like I care far too much to fit in properly in this day and age. The only thing I want is to help people smile, and to protect those smiles with everything I have. The “it’s not my problem” mentality is all but unknown to me, I reach out to those that would accept my help, trying in any and every way to put my best foot forward for them. Sometimes I stumble, and sometimes I am never forgiven for that, but I do try, I try my best and it’s wearing me down, turning me into something I am not. I can feel the weight on my shoulders slump my spirits, I can feel my eagerness to smile is almost gone. I had someone to help me, but I lost him not long ago, to another, better girl. I am happy for him, I truly am. I want him to find his own happiness, but what he failed to realize, was that he had a huge influence on mine. My heart is still sore, and I feel myself being pulled too far into the rituals of my adult life. I feel like the life I had, the strength I had, is draining from my body though all of the tears I refuse to cry. I need help, but I refuse to seek it out because I am scared. I see myself walking the streets alone, working alone, living practically alone. I know I have friends who are there for me, but my heart yearns for something more, something I refuse to search for because I fear the consequences of failure. I wish I could be stronger, I wish I could find the courage to seek out what I want, but I am not that strong. I fear that I will be alone, but somehow I desire it to, simply for the lazy idea that I wouldn’t need to care about anyone else’s problems or needs anymore.. But that is not who I really am. I might be the type of person best suited to tank, however I desperately need a healer, to help me survive the abuses life throws at me. I realize love may not be the answer I need, but in my mind I think it would help give me the strength to lift the weight I carry. I am strong, but strength is finite, and even the strongest can be bested, and sometimes need help getting back on their feet. I know I will survive this, but sometimes, it’s hard to see the positive through all of the struggles life puts in front of us…