This is my first post so hey,
Imagery is a weird thing isn’t it?
Since I was 13 I’ve had that sort of ya know emoish look about me, listened to the music, wore the eyeliner, all that sort of stuff. At that time people couldve somehow assumed, because of this “image”, that I was rebellious, depressed and suicidal. But what’s ironic is at that time when I was going through that sort of “phase” none of that applied to me in the slightest. You could say I was one of the most friendliest, world loving emos our there aha.
I was “a goth” before my dad got cancer an died by the way. I did drugs BEFORE my dad got ill and I was suicidal BEFORE my dad got ill.
In a way I’m slightly lucky in a twisted way that my dad died before I tried to kill myself because the “really nice trained ladies who want to help you” at the hospital wrote my attempt of as a natural reaction to a parent dying and sent me off to berievment counselling.
If you’ve been planning your suicide for a while and then you fail at killing yourself then you get caught by your mother who’s already devastated about her husband dying a month ago and then you have to go to the hospital so that they can check if trying drown yourself did damage to your lungs and then have to go to counselling an convince the trained psychiatrists that of course you’re not suicidal anymore when really you cry yourself to sleep every night and you wish and you wish and you wish that it had worked, you’ll know that the aftermath sucks.
3 comments
Hi there. I am sorry you are experiencing so much hurt. What happened that led you to this point if it was outside the loss of your father? You were the nicest emo person – did that change? I mean – what changed you into feeling suicidal?
Goth persons are fairly deep in my exp. I am a former goth. You feel a lot, right? Kind of like an ongoing loop tape?
It’s not that I used to be a nice person but now I’m the opposite it’s more like the time of my life when I looked the most normal and had a good social life and was averagely popular is the time when I felt the most upside down and and “suicidal” on the inside as apposed to when people thought I must be messed up and twisted because of how I acted and how I looked when really I was a perfectly content person then. It’s ironic. The thing is though I used to love it, I used to love it when I got weird looks walking around town with my “gang” who wore too much makeup and looked like they were up to no good. Whereas at this point in my life (I’m 15) I feel like I’m constantly trying to prove my innocence, after going through everything (I still haven’t told my friends about the attempt) I feel like I have to hide it. Even though now I am depressed, I am self harming, I am suicidal, I will admit to being quite rebellious and not wanting to do what anyone else says, I don’t want anyone to think those sorts of things about me. It’s like I want to be normal but at the same time I know that I am different on the inside
Sorry that was a long response to a short part of your comment aha
Yeah exactly, I feel a bit egotistical though thinking of myself as “deep”.
It’s like Kurt Cobain said that part of his reason for killing himself was because he cared too much and he loved people too much, he had too much empathy.
That’s the thing: there isn’t a reason. It’s strange and frustrating, the thing that makes it more likely that it’s just a malfunction in my brain or a chemical deficiency rather than something really dramatic and emotional, I don’t really have an answer. What I know is that it’s not because my dad died and it frustrated me that that’s what everyone assumed. I think really what I finally realised is that there’s no point. I could die later or I could die now and I chose “now”.
Well you seem extremely evolved and incredibly introspective (deep) for your age. I sense because of this attribute, you feel more richly and on a level Mr Cobain describes. I get it. Same here – I feel so much. It can be a gift as well as a case of spinning the wheels of tedium. LOL
So many sheeple do not think as the lot of introspectives nowadays. It is cluttered by distractions and easy to get away from the very cool part of yourself that actually thinks beyond the usual mundane. Crap, I wish there were more people like you.
I can understand why you chose now. Honestly, I think you should stick around and become even more awesome. Someone like you that speaks well and ahead of her time (sorry I presumed you are a female!) is sorely needed in this world. Its like you are an old soul. People with this ability to see beyond are very wise – sometimes feeling on levels most cannot experience. I hope you stay.