Are any of you in a situation in which most of your friends/peers are completely unaware of your depressive and suicidal tendencies? Have you ever gotten that feeling of disconnection that results from knowing that the person across from you, whom you may have known for almost your entire life, is still so fundamentally isolated from an aspect of your personality that consumes you everyday? As if nobody out there actually knows you? Almost like the social creature you’ve sustained over the years is some sort of agent dispatched by you to maintain the facade - Whilst the real you is still at home, under those sheets, constantly asking questions.
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Yes, this pretty much describes my whole life. Not just the suicidal part, which is more recent.
I didn’t realize it until I got older, when some perspective and wisdom began to clarify things for me, but really I’m completely a fake, socially. Not because I want to be, but because I was never very social or in need of other people to be happy, but I still had to survive school, university, and most importantly the workplace. So over time I created a personality, slowly and unconsciously, that I now realize is not me at all. And the me that I’ve gotten to know the last couple of years does not really sit well with me — if that makes sense! I sometimes feel like the guy in Total Recall…..”you’re not you, you’re me” he says to himself.
I always had a lurking suspicion that people kept their distance from me to some extent, while at the same time believing I was a nice guy and a good friend (which I generally am). When friends or girlfriends got closer to me, it was as if they saw something that disturbed them, and eventually started to back away. I used to blame them, but now I (kind of) see that it was me, although I’m not clear how exactly. There’s something missing in me, that’s for sure.
I started watching Dexter a few months ago, and though I have no desire to hurt people in any way, it hit me that like him, I’m never sure about anything regarding other people or how to act, and had to figure it out for myself. I did a fairly good job of faking it, but now I’m tired, and don’t give a damn anymore what people think. I wish I had had Dexter’s father when I was a teenager!
I can’t say I am. I have told everyone that is my “friend”, dates, and family that I do not want to live. But they all dismiss it as if it will pass. I understand that it is difficult for them to face that truth cause they don’t know to deal with it. Like with many things in life it is easier to ignore than face the truth.