Empty means containing nothing, according to the dictionary. It’s the feeling that I have right now. It’s weird. I’m in my house, but i’m not alone. I have my daughter sitting next to me watching a movie on her iPad while I sit on my couch typing these words. She’s too little to understand my feelings and body language. I have messages on my phone that i’ve looked at, but can’t seem to reply. I have close friends that want to hang out or come over and call it a movie night…but why do I just want to be alone? I’ve thought about over-dosing today…actually since last night. It’s happened before. It’s been about two years since that incident. Is it an incident if it was purposely done? I know I keep bringing up my daughter. But it’s only because I know that I have a reason to live. I just keep having this feeling of disappearing. This feeling of emptiness. What do I want? What am I searching for? What purpose do I have? I love photography, but why do I not want to pursue it anymore? Why does my world seem so empty? So far from reality. Why must we all have this crazy imagination? It only gives me ideas of ways to die….and no matter how bad I know that sounds, it never feels bad. It’s like my mind quickly makes it sound so good…. dying or disappearing. Today I went to my daughter’s field trip at the Dallas Zoo. Yes, I live in Dallas, TX. We walked around and I saw children and their families. They all seemed happy…joyful…full of life. I felt confused, lost, wondering where my life was. I smiled at my daughter and took pictures with her and tried to be happy…In her mind I am the best mother. But inside, I was asking myself so many questions. I had my own family and house and cars. It all went away. Although, I know it wasn’t my fault why the divorce happened…I blame myself for everything. It brings me down. Sorry, if i’m using this as a blog, but it’s easier to speak to strangers than to people that I know. I feel like I suck at life. I bring myself down. I can’t finish anything that I start. So I feel like death is the last option. To me death, seems peaceful. I think i’ll be worry free. No more thinking. No more suffering. No more wanting to hurt myself. No more feeling. I’m sleeping with no conscience what so ever. It seems fascinating. It means ending everything. Ending everything? That’s what I don’t want. I don’t want the angelic moments to go away….the kodak moments…the feeling of being loved or of loving. The only thing I want to go away is the emptiness, this loneliness, this hunger to die. Is it possible to wake up one day and feel peace of mind? Can I get to that point without ending this life I have now? Why am I so depressed?
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3 comments
Strange really to have someone post the same questions I wonder about, don’t really have the friends. But I don’t make much of an effort because I isolate myself sometimes consciously and subconsciously. It’s also strange that you live so close I live in houston and have family in Dallas so I go there a few times every now and again. Sounds like we are stuck in a very similar boat, I’m here if you want to talk or just vent.
My daughter is 13 and she is the reason I’m still here. My plan was to wait until she turns 18, but I’m now considering leaving this summer while she’s away at camp. I would go her last weekend — that way, she could enjoy camp without having to deal with my death, and simply return to her father’s place afterwards.
I hope everybody here is still alive?
I don’t have a daughter and I dislike my mother most of the time but thats because she’s bipolar and has depression too, as a daughter I could never be able to deal with her loss if she were to go through with her suicide mad neither would your children..
I hope your still alive xxx