Long story short: So there is this girl. We had crush on each other for very long time, then I had enough courage to tell her what I feel for her and she said she felt the same but she was afraid that I might be in love with someone else. Then we started dating and it lasted 6 months, and then se left me because she had mental problems and she was very confused and hurt inside, and I try to understand that. She even asked me back but I was too hurt and had lost my selfconfidence so we didn’t get back together, but we never stopped loving each other, and now it’s been almost year that this has been going on, we still see each other somedays and when we do we hold hands and kiss and we tell almost everyday how much we mean for each other.
But I wanted to get back together so yeasterday I asked if we could try again, but she said she doesn’t want to date anyone at the moment because she is so broken inside, even though she still says she loves me.
And now Im very sad and confused because it hurts that she needs me and loves me, but doesn’t really want to be with me. And it hurts that she doesn’t wanna be wih me, but still wants to kiss and be near to me and doesn’t want to let go.
What you guys would do? Should I give up? I love her like I never loved anyone, and I could wait as many years as it takes so I just could be with her, but do you think it’s clever? This situation is very complicated and I’m hurt and I have been crying so much because of this, but I still don’t want to let her go. But would it be better for me/her to do so? Help!
3 comments
It sounds like she’s got some stuff to deal with, and it’s difficult to deal with issues like that when one is in a relationship. Here’s how I see it; would you want the mother of your children to be acting like that with her kids? Let her be for a year and see where that goes. Let her learn and heal.
And as a girl, it sounds like she’s leading you on a little. She wants the benefits of a relationship but not the commitment.
I’d le her be and try to move on. You can check back in a year to see what’s up, but don’t let her hold you back either. It seems to me that if she really loved you, she’d want to be in a relationship with you.
But I don’t know the whole picture. Either way, I wish you luck and joy!
I would let it go for now.
Excuses like “I don’t really want to be with anyone right now” never seem to really be based in reality. If two people really love each other, they want to be together despite any other problems that might be going on, that’s the entire point of love. Yeah, it’s not hard to buy into what she’s saying. You can try to look at it as she’s being so sweet and caring that the isn’t going to ask you to engage in a relationship with her when she doesn’t feel 100% mentally able to. It’s possible there’s some truth to that. But from all my relationship experiences and the dealings of friends and other people, I would say if she ran into some irresistible man that she just had to have, you can bet her whole “I don’t want to date anyone right now” policy would change in an instant. There was just another SP member on here a week or so ago saying something similar, broke up with a girl, they still cared for each other, she said she just couldn’t be with anyone right now, and then she’s dating someone else shortly later. Woman say these types of things to try to reject guys without making it sound too personal or totally shatter your heart. If they tell you that they just don’t want ANY man right now, they’re trying to make it feel like it’s not your fault.
I would put an end to the whole kissing and holding hands routine too, as much as your heart might argue with your mind and tell you that you don’t want to give that up. That is being strung along. You’re good enough to be a pretend boyfriend, to give her the companionship when she’s in the mood for it, without the actual commitment of her wanting to say that you two are a couple. Meanwhile, in your own words, you are crying about this a lot and feeling a lot of pain and confusion.
Be honest about what you want. You don’t want this. You want the real deal. You want this to be a full relationship. You say you would wait for years if that’s what it took, but why do us guys romanticize things like that. It almost shouldn’t compute. How can it possibly be that the woman of your dreams is someone for whom it is going to take years for them to finally decide they want to be with you. Realistically, wouldn’t the woman of your dreams be the one who wants to jump into your arms right now? There’s nothing romantic about waiting for someone.
You are going to continue to hurt and cry as long as the two of you are on different wavelengths. You want to be with her fully, she doesn’t. The tears coming out of your eyes are the manifestation of the frustration you feel that she won’t love you back the way you love her.
I know when you care about someone and you’re at least getting hugs and kisses out of them, a part of you wants to just settle for that. But if you really want to care for yourself and your own emotional well being first and foremost, it’s time to be honest. Tell her you don’t just want to be “kissing friends”. Tell her you can’t deny that your heart wants more, and that existing between these two dimensions of friendship and love just tears you up too much. If she really loves you, there’s a small chance telling her this will finally make her commit to something if she doesn’t want to lose you. If she instead agrees to stop the kissing etc because she won’t fully commit to you and understands that it’s not fair, then you need to take that as a sign that there isn’t going to be that romantic type of love between the two of you, and she’s admitting that you were just the friend that she likes to kiss sometimes.
Don’t do this to yourself. I’ve been in very similar situations and I was always the hopeless romantic type who thought that it meant you really cared about someone if you would sit around and wait for them, watch them date someone else still hoping for another chance, ultimately it’s just self destructive and gross. You need to feel this same type of overwhelming love for yourself so that you’ll know you shouldn’t have to sit around crying waiting for someone to want you more than they currently do. Don’t put women on pedestals and tell yourself that they are worth waiting for. Why do we fall so deeply in love with people who won’t return it? Wouldn’t it be a million times more exciting to be holding hands with and kissing someone who actually wants all of you, today, instead of some small chance with some woman that your mind has blown way out of proportion?
You might think she appreciates the fact that you’re willing to walk in the middle of the road and play this game of non-commitment with her. But on some level, deep down all women respect men who have a backbone and draw the line somewhere. You’re showing her that she has no reason to be in a hurry to commit to you because she can just hold your hand and kiss you anyway, without all the complications that come with a real relationship. What’s her motivation to change any of this? Why should she work harder when she already gets what she wants? You want more than this, but what you want hasn’t mattered so far. She is happy just getting what she wants and stringing you along. Even if telling her ends up taking the two of you apart, she might have a new found respect for you that you finally stood up straight and told her “this is what I want and if it’s not going to happen, I don’t want to play pretend couple any more”.
Somehow romantic guys get this idea in their head that what women want is the guy who will settle for whatever level of commitment she offers them, the guy who will wait in agony and proclaim that they will wait years for her to make up her mind. You might be surprised, sometimes girls are more turned on by guys who will tell them to get lost if they aren’t going to stop playing stupid games. You are responsible for projecting your own value to her. Something that can sit on the shelf for years and wait for someone to come back can’t be that valuable otherwise someone else would snatch it up first. In an indirect way, acting like the guy who will wait for her might actually be the very reason why she doesn’t want to fully commit. Your willingness to wait means that you WILL keep waiting. Project that you have a high value, that your time and attention is valuable and that you will go find someone else to give it to if she can’t ever offer you more than this.
Ultimately, there is nothing to be gained from avoiding the truth. You are trying to stuff down your real feelings and tell yourself that you are okay with the way things are for right now, because at least having some of her is better than none at all. But really it’s not, and that’s why you’re in pain. The truth will set you free. You tell her what you want, get it over with. If it means things come to an end, then you go about the painful journey of letting your heart heal and get over it. Bottom line there is nothing to lose, if you tell her you need to know if this is ever going to happen and she says no, you just saved yourself a lot of pain.
No person is worth waiting years for. This is your only life. If she came back at some point down the road and said she realized she needs to be with you, that’s one thing. But don’t actually “wait”. You go live your life. It’d be her responsibility to catch up to you and let you know that she made a mistake. If a woman wants to be with you, she will do what it takes to get you, trust me. You don’t have to sit on the shelf waiting.
I suspect if you keep doing this, sooner or later she will find someone that she actually wants to date, and imagine how much pain you’ll be in then.
Hah, wait, are you a guy or a girl? I can’t tell looking through your post history and seeing that your girlfriend used to have a girlfriend. Well, either way, most of what I said above still applies to all relationships. The whole self-respect thing and being strung along is pretty universal regardless of what type of relationship it is.