Life hates me.

“Why me?”

“Why do I have to live with this pain? (mentally)”

“Why can’t I smile like everyone else”

“Why can’t I be happy?”

“Can I please die?”

My depression started in September 2012. When I applied for university in 2011, I got rejected which I didn’t mind first time round. Later on the year, I applied again in 2012, guess what, I got rejected. That’s when my depression started. I just can’t deal with rejections. My “friends” are busy with their university friends and their new life whereas I, stuck at home, hoping to go university. I have tried applying for jobs but no result. Any way, I applied in 2013, rejected AGAIN. Do you know why I keep on getting rejected? Because everytime I get an interview for the course, my social anxiety and nerves lets me down. I can’t even communicate properly without stammering and messing up my sentences. I don’t know what to do anymore. If only I was confident and speak articulately. I just want to crawl into a ball. I have to memorise what I have to say and when the interviewer say a question completely different from what I expected, my words and sentences gets all messed up. What is wrong with me?. I can’t express myself clearly. It sounds perfect in my head but when I try to say it out loud, everything messes up. I can’t explain in detail without stuttering and jumble up my words that don’t make sense.

I’m also lonely; I have no friends whatsoever. I only time I go out is with my family and one friend of mine which is only once a month as she has her other friends. I never felt so alone in my life. I’m jealous of people around me especially my sisters. My older sister has a great life. When she left school, she went to uni and recently graduated. She’s got A LOT of friends, got a boyfriend and got a job. Why can’t I be like her. She’s funny, intelligent and able to communicate perfectly without messing up. And my other sister who’s confident and bubbly. She’s going university this year and she’s younger than me. I feel like I’m missing out on the world. I haven’t experience my first kiss, hanging out with guy friends, gone to karaoke, and all the things teenagers do. My sisters experience those. I haven’t. My teen years wasn’t exactly great. I was the “lost sheep”; always following people around. I even got teased by my friends on how flat chested I was. I just hate my life. My brother on the other hand, was a moody person before but now, he’s a lot happier and cheerful. I think he met new friends. As for me, I have no friends, not in employment and not in education. I want to die right now. Everything I do, I can’t do it right. I’m a burden to my family. I always feel left out. My relatives and my parents loves my sisters and my brother. Not me. I’m never the favourite one. Whenever my parents tells stories, they always mention my sisters and my brother.

Not me. I’m never anyone’s favourite when it comes to relatives. I’m just a non existence person. I can see why… I’m freaking stupid, shy, quiet, can’t communicate properly, and ugly. I’m flat chested and I have bad skin called “chicken skin”. I can’t wear dresses because of my skin; loads of red dots surrounding my legs and arms. It’s ugly. I feel sorry for my parents for raising a stupid daughter like me. I can’t do anything right. I just want to die. Painless death would be nice – preferably dying in my sleep. I hate myself. Why is me that has to suffer in my family. I just want to be happy. I can’t even get onto a uni course I want to do. I’m a failure. I hate it. Stupid social anxiety preventing me from doing things. When people ask me what I’m doing? It just reminds me how sad my life is. I just end up ignoring them when they say that. I can’t even face my old school friends because they will bound to say “how’s life or what are you up to these days?”. I’m ashamed of myself – how I avoid my old school friends. I don’t want to tell them I’ve been staying at home crying every night.  I lost motivation in everything. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to tell my parents or anyone face to face. No one can help me. No one. If only there’s a miracle to make my wish come true – to get accepted to uni this year. I can’t do interviews. I just can’t. I want to put a gun against my head and end my life. I can’t deal with it. You may think my situation isn’t worth moping for, but it’s hard for me.Everyday, I lock myself in my room hoping there’s a miracle. I even pray every night. I avoid my parents and everyone. I don’t deserve to live. I want to die. My family don’t need me. They would definitely be happier without me. My sisters both get along and my brother too. They all do the same subjects whereas I do something different. I don’t feel like I belong to this family. Whenever I talk to my siblings or parents, it’s always awkward and dull but when I’m not around, the atmosphere is different – loud, cheery and full of happiness I don’t know why I bring bad luck and awkward atmosphere around people. I hate it. I wish I was never born. Please someone kidnap me and kill me. Life sucks. My family are all happy except me. Why do I have to deal with depression. No point talking to doctors, therapist and family. They won’t sort out my problem; my family wouldn’t understand. They’ll be like “get over it” or “what’s wrong with you”. Isolated and depressed is how I feel. I would have never thought I’ll be the one who’ll get depressed. Everyday,  I put a fake smile to let them know I’m “fine”. Everyday,  I fake my laughs to show I’m “interested”. I can’t do it anymore. I just want to cry and cry till my eyes fall out. I can’t be happy. I just can’t. I want to kill myself but I’m scared of the pain. Wish someone would shoot me in the head. I won’t even regret it. I’ll be happy if I was dead. My family and relatives would be happier. I’m just a thorn; an extra, deadly thing that’s gets in people’s way.