my story

Hi, I’m a 15 year old boy, I’m currently a closet bi-sexual, and have, in my own way, suffered a lot over the years. For starts, I’ve had to deal with both mental and physical bullying my whole life, save for this year. When I was in 4th grade, I had only 1 friend, and when I tried to make a new one, this kid thought I was trying to take his only friend away, so instead of telling me so, he physically bullied me to try to get his point across. Every time he caught me talking to his friend, he would come up behind me and jab both of his hands into my sides as hard as he could. To this day, I jump out of my seat and pain if someone does that, even if its a joke and they barely touch me. Growing up I was a very awkward kid, and very, very nerdy looking. I was constantly moving after almost every school year, so I never made friends. The areas I lived in, the girls wanted only one thing in guys, good looks, which I didn’t have in their eyes. From 4th grade all the way up to last year, 9th grade, I went through massive amounts of mental abuse in school, so much that I tried to end my life half way through 7th grade. It was the same things, “you’re a ******” or “you’re gay”, girls started rumors that I was getting butt fucked by the one or two friends I had, teachers even made fun of me too. In 7th, when I tried, I had been looking on the internet for weeks trying to figure out a painless way to off myself. The only ones I could find involved taking large amounts of pills or illegal drugs, things I couldn’t and still can’t afford. I ended up taping my mouth and nose shut and tried to suffocate myself. I couldn’t do it, obviously, because I’m still here. I’m a very skinny kid, I can barely run a mile in 9 minutes without almost passing out, and I can’t lift, pull or push more than 40 pounds without injuring my weak body. I’ve been playing World of Warcraft for the last 6 and a half years because its the only place I can go and be myself and actually feel happiness. I moved to LA to be with my dad about one and a half years ago, and at first, it was nice…. But to be honest, I’m unbelievably miserable now. My step mom is an annoying, stupid ass **** who makes my life hell, and my dad is always inside my ass (not literally) about school and college and getting good grades. My brother has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to go to college, so now my dad is putting all his time into making my life a miserable pile of shit, because he wants me to go to college. At this point, I’ve become so sick of his constant yelling about me not giving a shit about my grades (even though I have 4 A’s 1 and a D in PE, that’s a long story that I don’t want to spend the time explaining). The last few days he’s been exloding all his anger on me because I had to do an after school program to make up credits from last year, and I completely forgot about it until about 3 weeks ago, a month before the year ends, and I’ve been scrambling to try to get the program done and closed so I get the credits and don’t need to worry about it. BUT…. The fatass **** who’s my after school teacher is holding me up to a way higher standard because I’m white in one of the biggest minority schools in LA, so she’s be making me fucking redo work and then bitches when it seems like I don’t care about my grade being an A instead of a B, which I don’t. After I have to sit and listen to her bitxh about my grade I have to go home and listen to my dad yell at me about my grade and how “an A means so much more than a B when applying for scholarships”. I’ve been stressed everyday since I moved here, and I honestly don’t know what it’s like to NOT be stressed the fuck out. All I ever want to do is curl up into a ball and cry, but I can’t get myself to cry. This stress has destroyed my feelings and emotions, the only time actually feel anything is when  I’m playing wow. I’ve only hugged one girl so far in my life that wasn’t my mom or grandma, or who wasn’t a complete whore that just wants to fuck and give me a thousand different diseases. I’ve never had a girlfriend, and this is the first year where I’ve had more than just 2 friends that I felt I could actually trust. Most of the time I have no emotions, just a flat, ” I don’t care anymore” sensation really. I don’t feel like I belong in today’s world, the things I want to do are either impossible to do in a city like LA, or I can’t do because technology has destroyed the profession. What I want to do more than ANYTHING in the world is to just go camping, hunt, and become a blacksmith. It feels like my previous soul was that of a blacksmith/hunter, because all I want to do is hold a hammer in my hand, I want to feel that rush and excitement from building a sword or a shield…. Once more…. Every night before I go to bed, I pray to whoever is out there to just kill me, to just end my miserable life. I hate getting up every morning because I know I will have to deal with some kind of stupid bullshit that I can’t fix. I just to end my life so stop suffering so much, but I can’t bring myself to do it. A tiny part of me still cares what might happen to my family members if I do it. I just….. I don’t know what to do..