One year later

I can’t really stand to be here for more than a few moments, but I am here to leave an update comparing today to this day last year.

One year ago today I was ready to die. Today is my 29th birthday, and this time last year I was trying to hang myself from a shower stall or from a tree in a campground. It didn’t work out. At 7am the next morning I was dealing with campground staff wondering why my car was in a ditch; the rear hatch window was smashed, and I needed a tow truck to pull out my car. It took a couple of months, but I gave the damaged car back to the dealership in the form of a repossession. I spent a single night in a hospital, at which point my intense anxiety and increased heartbeat presented itself to the hospital staff as cocaine abuse (mother-fuckers! the urine and blood samples came back negative, didn’t they you fucking morons??!!!).   I stayed with a friend for a duration of 6 weeks or so. Got back on my feet, got a job (yeah yeah, I’m making $70k CAD per year, blah blah), and am now nearly halfway done paying about $30,000 in debt. After another year, at my 30th birthday, I hope to be debt-free. Plleeeease let that be long enough. I barely averted bankruptcy, let’s keep that luck going.

Is my life perfect now? Fuck no. Is it about 50x times better than it was this time of year in 2013? Holy fucking shit, is it ever!

If I can get laid in the next 3 months or so (cause I’m still 210 lbs fat and kinda sexually desperate), everything should be fine. I may have to resort to pseudo-rape on another gay guy to make it through the summer! Bend over, whore – and I’ll do the same for you? Yeah, that about sums it up. Being overweight is the biggest confidence-killer ever. :'(

I don’t have all the answers. All I know is I am essentially non-suicidal this year, whereas last year I was prepared to abandon everything. The only reason I fear the future is statistical – apparently once suicidal, those thoughts always return. All I can do is… (why the fuck don’t non-religious folk have a better word for “pray” besides “hope”)… those emotions are far away from returning.

– Free-from-torment-for-now-guy