It’s  almost to a point where I wish I was dead just to end the nothing. The deadness inside. So much pain. Pain is all thats left. Pain and more pain. I cling to the pain like a life raft. I’ve shut out to feeling anything else. Its like being colorblind. More like LSD. Pain is like LSD. The colors are brighter more vibrant when tinged in LSD or pain. Every other feeling is like normalcy. It feels dull. The world just isn’t as vibrant. Happiness doesn’t feel as happy. Its tinged. It feels like the difference between color TV and black and white. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the world in color. Since I’ve felt anything in color. The only show on In color is pain. Pain is the only chance I get to feel anything anymore. I know why people cut kinda. Its to feel something. I don’t think I can stand only seeing pain in color anymore. It can’t be the only thing to feel. To live for. I think it’s a permanent condition now tho. Is that a good enough reason to leave this world? Its a ringing in my head that just won’t go away.
3 comments
I love your way of thinking about life… the images are exactly saying what I can’t put any words to. I feel the same, if it makes you feel any better. Don’t you just wanna leave all this behind and discover what else this life has to offer you??
@wanderlustnebula. I fantazise about jumping in front of the train. I work. About 500 feet from the metra line. I sometimes walk to the grocery store for lunch and cross the tracks. The metra calls every hour on the hour. A speeding train is only 500 feet away and at the 40mph plus it goes past my building its a sure bet. God I hate my life. 4:20 maybe lol
I get the point about wanting to die to end the nothing. I feel like I’m just sitting in the abyss, waiting to die. I’ve forgotten what happiness feels like. I know I’ve felt it before, a long time ago. It was nice having the passion and drive to meet new challenges.
Now there is only pain.
But for me, the pain is no longer in color either. It has faded into a background noise just like everything else. Just like me.
I see neither the past nor the future. Just an ever-present emptiness. There are only two options – to kill myself, or to wait.
The decision could take a lifetime.