Hi.. I’m a 24 year old female living in Canada & I’m starting to get scared that I will do something drastic and irreversible. I have gone through periods of depression on and off since I can remember. At first it wasn’t bad.. just low periods that last a few hours. Now it lasts weeks and the good periods in between (in which I am uncharacteristically social and productive) are getting shorter.
A bit of background on me is that I grew up in a very diverse, mixed-up family. I have 5 siblings and all are half-siblings. I am the oldest. I’ve had to choose between parents my whole life and am currently with my Mom because I can’t afford life on my own. I love my parents, so much. My Dad is an alcoholic and my Mom was previously addicted, but overcame, her addiction to painkillers. My life was tough before but now i have it pretty good (can afford my bills with a little extra left over, can drive and have a car, decent job, decent looking) and have a super supportive Mom and supportive friends. So why on earth would I want to die?
Could my mixed up negative brain have stemmed from the war between my parents? maybe the evil ***** step mother? the nagging addiction that followed my family? but that is all OVER so how can that have anything to do with it anymore?
The thought of the future and doing this boring, meaningless shit for another 40-50 years terrifies me. Same small talk, same desk, same computer screen, same routine. Eat, sleep, cry, work, computer.. repeat. Maybe add in a dinner with a friend every now and then. My parents are both 43 and still struggling hard-core working their asses off to just barely get by, as I imagine I will have to endure if I stick around. I used to want kids, and love horseback riding and biking and swimming and skating and now I do nothing. I like nothing, ignore my friends, sit in my room and conjure up ideas and ways to not have to wake up tomorrow, and get so excited of the thought! Not having to wake up.. brilliant.
I’m so incredibly weak! And I used to pride myself on being strong. Thoughts of suicide are more frequent and I get happy thinking about it and that’s just not right is it? Or is everyone like this?
Who knows.. Please if anyone feels the same or has been through something similar please comment or message me..
Molly
1 comment
I’m same area as you, in that period of life where I should feel more postive of my outlook but my perception just seems so different. My desires are the opposite of my living patterns and my pasts haunts my present. Should I feel guilty to give up, well that all depends…For one do I have the guts but also I’ve always like looking into the future and fantasying about helping those whom have gone through similar situaitons like myself…you know mentoring and helping etc…but at the same time I like fantasying of picturing myself being at peace…but “what if” I could have both peace and helping others at the same time…now that’s something to think about…and I suppose that’s why I am still here…what about you?