A few years ago I was high on life. Had a good job, 2 great kids, a home, 2 cars. Seemed like the perfect life. Then i met this guy. He cheated on me, beat me, raped me. The list goes on and on. When I tried to break up with him he would kick my door in or break a window. I felt i had no choice but to give in. I sent my kids to live with there father (I did it for them but now they hate me). I tried to kill myself. Waking up in shock trauma was not fun. I gave myself stage 1 emphasemia. (bad speller) I dealt with this guy for another 3 yrs. In and out of the hospital. Always lieing to the doctors. I never told what he did to me. They gave me a dx of bipolar. for 7 years i carried around this dx that was not correct. I was finally dx with ptsd. Now I am trying to find a safe place in my head. Its hard when everything has a bad memory attached to it. The beach, a shower, even driving. For a year i drove around with a hose in my car just in case that urge came. Now I stay locked up in my house. Scared of the outside world and afraid of men. I get scared that something in my head might pop again and cause that urge. I dont know how to make things right in my life again. Or how to stop asking everyday if there is a god to put me out of my misory. I am not suicidal now. But i am not happy in life. I dont know how to make new positive memories.
So I dont know if this was what I am supposed to write. It is just a brief description of my world Thanks for letting me vent.
1 comment
I truly sympathize with you. I was involved with someone that had been abused by her ex husband for many years. I fought for and protected her with every last ounce of my spirit. We were happiest when we were together and I truly loved her kids. But after a year her ex husband’s best friend snatched her away from me and I finally found out he was a child molester and forced dominatrix/submission and sexual assaults on her. She was too weak to resist him and I was tossed in the ditch. I only brought this up because I know that abuse can be so powerful that the victim is too frightened to simply walk away – most people don’t understand that.
It sounds like you eventually disclosed and are getting some help with the PTSD. That is a really good thing to do. But unfortunately what you need most right now is the hardest thing to find – someone you can trust, confide in and that can help you heal. Keep on caring for and respecting yourself as much as you can and hopefully a little more every day. I’m not big on groups and programs, but when we engage with others that share the same kind of pain or history it goes a long way toward battling the “aloneness” and the emptiness we feel.
I wish you well.