I used to be a lively person. I remember it vividly when I was younger I was always happy when asked about where would I be when I’m older and those similar questions. It was the downfall of me when I failed the entrance exam into the most prestigious high school in my town. I always had a high expectation strolling right behind me and my parents. I expected myself to be able to do just about anything I could imagine of doing.
But reality hits me rock-hard. I wasn’t accepted into the school that my sister went to. My parents claimed that they’re okay with the results and see no problem at all. But I know deep down they’re very upset. Ever since that failure I stumbled upon, I began wandering aimlessly towards nothingness. I have never been in my life felt shame that big before so it was all very new for me. So after this incident, my life begins to rot. High school, was fucked-up. I did not have any ambition nor did I have the courage to stand in front of everyone with this face. I developed acne, which is why everyone never even bothered to look at me, seeing that it was just plain disgusting. I hate myself so much. I confined myself from everyone and even from my family.
My grades are slipping off so bad that my parents and I were constantly on the verge of breaking their necks every single day. It was a routinely unavoidable activity in our family ever since.
Not long after those whole ordeal, I began stressing over every little thing that happened to me. I began developing an eating disorder afterwards. I became 100 times more prone to judgements and what people say about me. So not much longer after that I too often felt anxious easily and often felt an overwhelming feeling of fear. I became so anxious at times that I didn’t want to go out to school or anywhere else because I am terrified with the thought of anyone seeing my face or body and they’ll judge or mock me.
I’ve had thoughts of suicide but I’m too much of a coward to actually do it. So I guess I’ll be fine for some time. I know my story isn’t as severe as the majority of the people here that really had it much worse than what I had been through. I just felt like sharing my feelings and thoughts that’s all.
Thank you for reading and stay strong
2 comments
I am facing almost the same problem.However,i am into reasoning with myself whether to die ot not.The gravity of my emotions is much more than yours.So i expect myself to be dead by the end of this month.
Hello. I just want you to know that don’t give up on life. I know this sounds bizarre coming from me because I, like you too, am not the most mentally stable person around. I hope by the end of this month you’ll find yourself happier and with much less emotional pressure. Sometimes I feel like ending my life too, but I’ll remember the saying that everything will get better, although I’m not sure of it. If you feel like your pressure is unbearable, reason it with yourself over and over again, is it really worth it to end your life? I hope by the end of this month you’ll be better and found something to cope with. Stay strong. 🙂