I cannot choose anything in my life. Underground Man was right. No desire in me goes deeper than my desire for truth. i was wrong when i said i will choose freedom over truth if such a choice comes. i was recently given this choice. i stuck to truth. truth is unbiased. each decision in life is biased. you need a reason to do anything, and that reason has a beginning somewhere. no reason is “holy”. something has to begin somewhere. so how can i choose anything? on what basis i will make that choice? what is worthy enough to be given preference?
And what’s worse is that i still have hope. i still think there is a way. i still believe that truth IS freedom. infact i think i chose truth just because of my this belief. i cannot get out of my world of fantasy. maybe this is what keeps me alive.
i cannot truly suffer. my escape mechanisms are too deep. my dreams are too deep. infact reality itself is like a dream to me. i sometimes feel like that guy in Animatrix, except i don’t believe in otherworld.
I wanted to run away. now that option too is closed for me. i cannot commit suicide. I… i am just feeling strange thinking about my life. sorry for wasting your time.
(i’ll waste more…)
How to live life? its actually easy to live life in a dream. you can begin anywhere and go to its end. hindrances become part of its way. nothing can stop you. Its the “others” who turns dreams into reality. why do i have such an enmity towards them? i am ready to give up my dream just to fulfill this enmity. yesterday i thought too deeply about this and related subjects. maybe this is life. as Lao Tzu said life works on ironies. me and others. reason and irrationality. when i look at my life from outside, i wonder why i don’t act rationally. but when viewed from closely, irrationality is the only thing that satisfies my soul. ego wants irrationality, whereas dreams work on reason. what i want from far away (larger time frame), is not the same as what i want from closely (immediately). but frankly, “others” still don’t make sense. they should come nowhere in the picture. maybe they are what my ego consists of. and my self is
1 comment
People who choose freedom also get messed up sometimes. Way it goes. I would have chose freedom. I would have advised anyone else to do the same. After that you need a little luck and to understand that wherever you end up is because it could have been no other way. We must make an independent choice and understand why we are powerless.