I find myself crying. It seems to be the only thing I’m constant and good at lately. I find myself bursting into tears moment after moment. I try to hold on to those moments of clarity when my energy shifts and my ideals and desires seem so clear. But I can’t, this wave of pain seems to catch me over and over again and no matter how hard I paddle it strikes and submerge me into it’s darks waters.
I feel lost, confused and covered by this dark shadow that rarely allows light to come in. I tried once to commit suicide, in a moment of desperation I cut my wrist over something I cannot recall. It’s been almost 4 years since that happened and I’ve never been able to fully understand the real motive why I did it that day.
Death has been in my head over and over for a long time now. I crave for it day after day. I’ve been in situations that lasts moths where dying was not an option. I had something, someone to live for, never myself, but someone else to look after. Clarity comes from time to time, it feels like a cold breeze calming the fire on my skin. I don’t want it to end, but it always does. Im always scared, scared that it wont come back and i’ll burn down to ashes.
I don’t want to loose hope. I don’t want to surrender to this feeling of fear, pain, desperation. I desperately need to breath, go back to surface. I’m drowning. But my legs seem not respond most of the time and is in the frontier with death that i finally manage to go back to surface for what it feels a second, i breath and i’m pulled back into those dark waters.
Fear and pain became my day to day life. I struggle against them while awake, in my sleep. There seems to be no moment of peace, silence. So I long for death. Think of all the things I could do to finally shut everything down. But in my experience alcohol, drugs, party, love, sex… none of thins actually helped me quiet the noise inside. So I have this strong belief that death wont either. I fear that i’ll spend eternity crying out loud without being able to hear myself scream. Just wandering around nothingness with noise increasing inside my head.
I desperately need to get things better cuz I understood that my only choice is to keep walking. But fear makes the pain unbearable, makes life tedious and bitter. I crave for happiness, a smile. I don’t remember how to smile.
I’m confused. I don’t know if i’m dead or alive.