I have never shared my story before,
I’m now 24, the 24 years of my life have been the worst, raised in a well off family I had my emotional needs neglected from an early age, suffered abuse from from my family and depression all through high school. Thinking back I can only remember feeling alone and afraid.
It wasn’t always bad, after finishing highI school, I worked full time for a few years, but I could tell something was missing, I had not and still to this day have not  had emotionally intimate relationships. I don’t know how to establish or maintain them, nor do I have any will to, I only see people as a threat, my logic, is distance people and they won’t hurt me. How has this worked out for me? not well, I haven’t been able to fill the void that is part of my biology, every day I see couples walking around and I look at myself and can see only a person who is unloveable, unwantable and will never have that himself. too damaged to even be desired by somebody else.
Last year I graduated from my bachelor degree, I had figured that by this stage things would be looking up, I had made more friends than I used to have and had gotten over my previous shyness/anxieties to some degree. But it was just the beginning of the end, faced with being unable to find a job (computer science graduate) my self esteem and feelings of self worth quickly and later rapidly depleted, I couldn’t even find work in menial fields.
I was unfortunate enough to have been born in and live in New Zealand, a desolate country that offers little, I don’t like the people here, don’t fit here and simply don’t want to be here. I hate the place, everything about it from the cold weather to the backward culture and stand offish attitudes of people.
I am an intelligent person, too intelligent I think. I know the who hiring process is complete bullshit, I am unable to even write a cover letter because I know the whole this is pointless, I can see the whole system is broken, but everyone else is so stupid, but they are happy to play the game and comply. The stupid people win. The frustration from this has led me to want to die. No I don’t want help feeling better, or finding a job, I don’t want to live here, in this country, but where else can I go?! and how, I’m nearly broke because I have been unemployed for so long, the very fact is enough to put any potential employers off as they ask questions about why I have been for so long.
I simply want to die, A young, healthy male with no reason to live, no body wants to help me, nor do I feel I deserve it. I wish I could give my healthy body to one of those who suffers with disease, perhaps they have family to live for, I can’t see myself ever having children, I won’t ever even have a partner as I don’t have the will to find one.
I want to die but I don’t want it to be in my hands.
Please let me fade from existence, I wish I hadn’t been born, the world would be a better place.
3 comments
I would bet that there are so many people who would think of you and miss you if you were gone. Don’t get lost in your misery and forget to see them.
There are, and I hate that the fact. The frustration of knowing how much dying would hurt other people is what hurts me the most, I don’t want to be more of a burden than I already have been, this is why I think an accidental death would be much nicer. Unfortunately it hasn’t happened, and probably won’t knowing my luck.
I relate OP. I’ve been unemployed for decades due to severe mental illness. In my 50’s I have nothing, just leeching tax payers’ money. I always had a horrible way of seeing through the stupid charade too, even before I became psychotic and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Most jobs just don’t make any sense to me, and I’m quite sure I would have wanted to suicide just as much if I had been chained to an office desk day in and day out for most of my life.
I also feel the frustration of being unable to hurt my loved ones. I wish for you to find the meaning that has so far eluded me.