I decided I won’t leave the site. Mostly out of loneliness. This past month has been an unbearable hell, losing two people I really, really cared for. I’ve been lost as to what to do with myself. I’ve been really battling just ending it, and now because I’ve been such a numb, lonely, distraught mess, I don’t even know if I deserve something as easy as suicide.
Maybe I deserve to suffer for another 60+ years. And I know people come and go out of your life, but too many people go and never come back. I literally have no one outside my immediate family (meaning only my mother and uncle) to really talk to about stuff. That I feel comfortable talking with.
And not even just talking about the dark stuff, just casually rapping away about nothing in particular. I lost all of that. It’s amazing how lonely a human can feel after multiple tries at reaching out. You get to the point where it’s like….just fuck it.
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t want to live. Literally and figuratively. I want to die, but I also just want to stay in a dark corner and never move, ever again. Why can’t I go into a coma? Then I’d never wake up and people would be forced to pull the plug on me.
Fuck.
6 comments
hey, I’m so sorry about your losses. I just want to say, would you maybe like to talk with me a little and perhaps give hope another try? I think I know how loneliness eats away at you, and I’d appreciate the chance to listen to whatever you have to say.
Hey, thanks for the response. Hopefully they lead better lives without me. The one person I think was eventually scared off by my suicidal tendencies…well….the other, I don’t know what happened exactly. But still, it’s hard literally having no friends to talk to. I seriously do not have one friend. Then again, there’s always the hope that the right people will come into your life and stay. Gotta keep hoping even when I don’t want to. Ugh, it’s so hard.
I guess that’s why I missed this website. We aren’t “friends” but we still help each other along.
I don’t find it easy having friends, but it sure is lonely without them…and no, you don’t ‘deserve’ another 60 plus years of suffering. You must be young – hopefully things can turn around for you still. Meanwhile at least you can vent here. I don’t know where I’d be without my forums, full of people who understand where I’m coming from better than many a real life ‘friend’.
I hear you. It’s hard to realize we deserve better.
Yeah this site has been good to me. Some what.
If you want to contact me, here’s my email. thefeatherling@gmail.com I used to be extremely lonely too until I found a friend online, and that really helped me.
Thanks for the offer, but I think it’s going to be a while before I connect with anyone outside of this blog. My last experience was a bit disturbing, but that’s in the past.