i’m hopeless and i don’t know

so, here is my story. back 2012, i moved school so i could be a more dedicated student and stuff, but what i actually did was study like a slave for 14 hours or more. i also had all my teachers saying “how are you going to enter a university? you need to study harder” and that’s what i did. i stopped doing everything i loved, i stopped watching movies, reading books that weren’t from school, texting or calling friends, or even hanging out with friends, i also stopped listening to music (yes somehow i managed to do that) and taking pictures of myself). my life was basically school > home; home> school. However, i did have friends at school. however, they were the ones who bullied me, too. i’m very hairy and i have always been very insecure about my body and flaws and they were always there… pointing out and making jokes or laughing at me. i still remember every word and two years later i still cry because of it. So, 2012 was over. 2013 is the worst of all. right in the begging, still listening to my teachers telling me to study harder, i had my first panic attack. i didnt know what was that and i only found out in august about my anxiety disorder. i couldn’t take this life anymore. My own “friends” laughing at me, making me feel worse about myself, my lame life, my lame city, my lame me. i have never been kissed and i have this feeling i will never be. i’m seventeen. i’m eighteen in exact one month. i decided that i was going to kill myself at 16th may. i’m so lame i couldn’t even do it. wow, what a loser. what a surprise. in august my mother decided that i needed a psychologist since i was no longer the same. i found out about my panic attacks and my social anxiety, also, i found out that they were developed by the help of school and how i let my teachers affect me in all those two years telling me i was not good enough. school sucks. people suck. i hate that school. i want them to burn. ugh. my life is such a hell since them. i have the same bully friends, i can’t take a picture of myself because i feel ugly and when i do, i dont show to anybody because i’m scared people will judge me or post mean comments, i just have started listening to music again. but it’s not the same. i feel empty. i feel like my life is never going to change and i’ll be stuck in this lame place that i live with the same lame people forever. my mother is always crying, apologizing because she is my mother and  it makes me feel so bad. she is very afraid i may have depression. i know i shouldn’t, but i constantly lie to my psychologist saying it’s everything okay. i don’t think i have depression but i’m afraid.

it’s 11 pm and i spent my whole day in bed and i don’t want to get out of it. i actually want to die every night i go to sleep. i’m so hopeless, my life will never ever get better so i feel that i’m just prolonging my pain. i want this to stop. i wish i had a life, you know. only existing is  very boring and is draining me. i’m very tired. i’m tired of all of this. ugh.

i dont know what to do