i don’t know if im actually considered suicidal. do I want to die yes but I don’t want to commit suicide if you know what I mean. I don’t do drugs or smoke or cut myself. I just have this want this very real need just to end it all. Ill do little things that no one notices. ill go around with no seatbelt not because I don’t give a shit about safty more so I want to be thrown from a car and die type of thing. im more then willing to jump in front of a bullet or purposefully talk shit to get my ass kicked in the hopes that they will fuck up and snap my neck. I do have depression but im controlled I keep my shit in check until my door closes and my mind goes places I don’t want it to go ever again but it repeatedly comes up. I have this never ending sadness that makes me want to rip the skin off my bones and just scratch it away, but I also have never ending anger where the slightest thing make me want break my hand against a wall. I have this unique thing where I can laugh down to my belly in tears but I actually don’t feel it im just numb I only ever feel sadness, if I could feel happiness id wear a seatbelt id be quieter or maybe wait for a police officer. I don’t honestly know.
id just like to experience what everyone else feels when asked if I loved someone id respond ”id be sad if you died” now I can say I love you but only to family I don’t know if they feel like I love them or not I do little things for them that I think would make them think I love them . am I bad or good? I don’t truly know anymore…
———sometimes the biggest scars are not always the ones written on the skin but hidden in the mind of a survivor———
2 comments
You don’t want to kill yourself, but if presented with death, you would take it kindly. I’ve been there as well. It was a mixture of pride with awkward content for me. As to the question whether you’re bad or good; there’s no such thing as bad or good. Bad and good is just something politicians made up so they could get more votes. There is no “being good” or “being bad” there’s just doing things that make people happy and doing things that piss them off. And with 7 billion people on the planet, you are by no means evil or abnormal, you’re far from it.
I think about putting myself into dangerous situations, because I currently don’t have the guts to kill myself. So I think about hanging out in the bad part of town, hoping to catch a stray drive-by bullet. Or hiking into the woods, getting lost and dying from exposure or hypothermia (although that would be painful), which happened to two hikers near my town. Or perhaps falling off of a cliff, which happened to another hiker in my area. No one thought that was a suicide, but I think it was deliberate. The missing person info that authorities released before his body was found stated that he had previous scars from his wrists to his elbows and another scar from the top of his neck to the top of his shoulder. Anyway, now it looks like an accident, which may be easier for friends and family. I would want my expiration to look like an accident also.