Hello. I’m new here just like I’m apparently new in life. I’m sixteen years old and was diagnosed with depression earlier this year, but was suicidal for give or take two years before that. I have a messy family past, abusive father who tried to commit suicide right in front of me – not because he was suicidal, he was just a manipulative and sick bastard – and now I live with my mom, stepfather and my little sister. We’ve been through a lot of crap with my mother – including this whole daddy issue, alcoholic grandparents, her own depression and slight abuse from my stepdad. It’s shitty, but I guess it just bonded as somehow. Now, the only reason I’m still here is my mom. I suck at being a daughter and the good news from my psychiatrist caused her a lot of pain – she really doesn’t want for me to go through what she’s going through. I’ve been self harming for a year and hiding it from her quite successfully, until a month or so ago. I promised her I’d never do this again, but you know how it is. My hand slipped once or twice. I’m not trying to convince you that I am not another attention seeking teenager, but I don’t really feel like that. My mom loves me a lot and she’s honestly the best mother I could have. But the problem is, it makes everything worse for me. I’m suicidal and thoughts of death are constantly in my mind, all those scenarios of a car accident, of overdosing, everything. And I feel even more awful when I think how it would destroy her. I’m not okay even though this is what I tell her. And now, to the point – maybe to other depressed children or parents – how the hell can I make it easier? What can I do not to let my issues take it’s toll on her and be a better child? I’m really tired of living for others, but I couldn’t hurt her that much. Even if it seems like the best option for myself.
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3 comments
Having read this, I genially feel suprised that actually, there is someone out there who is doing exactly the same thing as me ‘living for others’ because you know how it would destroy them if you succeeded in suicide.
Sounds like u have had quite a rough time , but don’t give up , show anybody who has ever doubted u , ever said u weren’t good enough or anything like that , show them that u are worth living and u are going to live , for your mother and for your sister and hold your head high .
It’s a delicate balance between living for yourself and keeping your loved ones close. Although suicide may feel like the only option to you, it isn’t. There’s so much more out there. As hopeless as it seems there are as many paths to your life as there are stars. Every little decision pulls you in a new direction. I suggest the first step to be knowing yourself, which also means your illness: depression. Understand and minimize its influence. Everyone has a fight whether it be against diabetes or peanut allergies. It doesn’t have to define you.