I’m so very tired.
Having battled depression for at over 40 years now and still feeling like I’m in the same place I started. Alone – divorced after too many years of a bad relationship and now my latest SO decided that I wasn’t worth the effort and took up with someone else. I’m unemployed and unemployable, my skills and my background being obsolete. I make myself get out of these 4 walls only with the greatest of effort and my energy is nearly depleted. I’m tired of fighting battles I can’t win. I’m sick of feeling like the world is just rolling over me every time I get out of bed. I’m fed up with the derision, the apathy, the frustration, the anger and the overwhelming waves of sadness. I’ve hoped for too long that it will get better. It never will. The same cycles keep repeating over and over , ad infinitum for as long as the malevolent forces of the universe decide that it’s all in good sport to laugh at suffering.
I want to let the dragons win this time. To chew me up, burn me beyond recognition and eradicate me from this place. Do it quickly before I even know what’s happening. Happiness is not a journey, it’s a myth, and it’s unattainable.
And I am so very tired.
3 comments
Your post resonates with me Minstrel. Any advance on 52 years old? Unemployed, unemployable, snap. World rolling over you, hah, good way to describe it. I’ve got to agree with you. The odds are it won’t get better. When is enough enough? I’m awful tired too. But I’ve got to stick around for those that still care and depend on me…currently numbered at two souls, both family. I argue with myself daily about whether I can justify leaving them behind. I can’t give myself an absolute no on that one. I want a get out clause.
But knowing me I won’t get past the guilt. And that’s pretty much all it is. Live for them if I can’t live for myself. I despise this ridiculous piece of shoddy theatre. Can’t I bow out gracefully before I get booed offstage? Oh the shame and humiliation. I may be over the top but I’m not playing, it’s from the heart…I understand Minstrel, all too well.
I totally agree with you that happiness is a myth, and it has also been unattainable for me. Oh sure, I ‘ve had moments of happiness, but nothing ongoing and sustainable, nothing worthwhile enough for me to have stuck around all this time – 51 long years.
At this point, I’m not sure how I still manage to get up every morning. Every day is Groundhog Day, give or take a few minor variations. I am so exhausted being on this never ending hamster wheel, so I know how you feel.
Thank you seppuku and silence_is_deafening for commenting. There is some solace in knowing that we despair in good company, but unfortunately we still end up traveling the path alone, even if we have someone(s) in our lives. Waiter, check please! Stop the world, I want to get off. I’m ready, so why am I still here?