Spilling my beans

I’m starting to see why people do certain things, I may not fully understand it but I think when we are in a place where we feel pent up by our circumstances, a change is wanted…needed. Right now I’m low on oxygen and I’m hanging by an idea. Will a moment come when we find something that gives us fresh air, makes everything seem lighter, brighter more promising, even scary. Looking back to a sad place its easy to ignore it, and maybe move toward what you want to do. In ways I wish I could see an option like that for me but now I don’t know how. Making a decisive decision is hard to do for me, my lack of confidence and guilt go hand in hand when it come to my indecisiveness I can’t see a future where I can be happy to choose a better life, is there even a better life for me in this world? I doubt it. But I’m not detached, I’m connected to people and their strong emotions, important decisions to be or do have an impact. In an ideal state of mind I wouldn’t care, but I do and I hate it. So here I am unmoved and swallowing hard waiting for whatever comes at me. Life.
Side note:

Im living with my brother in law and his 3 young kids, a baby, dog, and cat, my sister is getting a divorce while living with a man she met a month ago at work. To be fair the marriage failed because the in law was very overbearing among other things money, lies, was suffocating her, etc. Its what led her to do what she’s doing Not that I’m excusing her bad behavior. They both are busy with full time school and work, so I’m like the live in nanny. This experience has been depressing and makes me angry for the young kids who r in the middle of it, not seeing their mom very often because of her 12hr shifts, and now she wants to give the father full custody to be with her new boy toy and his kids whose ex-wife died recently. Fishy.

This post was how I sort of saw how her actions has caused a lot of confusion and pain in the family as well as a new perspective with my inner battle on suicide. I know she’s been depressed for a while, but she’s planned well ahead in a short amount of time to change everything and everyone to fit around her selfish desire for a chance at happiness. It sounded too much like my intent on my life. Though I’m harboring a lot of resentment towards the parents, I feel stuck since I’m too scared to be independent and on my own, and I also feel guilty for leaving the kids since I’m the only one who is able to watch them most of the week. But that a lots of pressure and anxiety for me to handle I don’t understand children. All I know is basic stuff, I don’t know what to do or say when it’s their emotions or what it is they need to get through with their parents divorce. I’m not a good role model on how to express emotions in a healthy way. I’d probably make things worse, so I’m not going to say anything.

But I’m relieved that I can at least post what I feel here anonymously.