Believe it or not I am vacationing in Italy right now. I am visiting my parents (who have been here for the last year) and my mama and my self are in rome. I have been going through a custody battle for about the last year. My son is 5 years old and i had him for the first 3 1/2 years until i sent him to his dads to recover from my addiction and restore my mental health… then he decided not to send him back. (Granted his father wasnt a part of his life until then and moved clear across the country to get over his own demons) so he served me with papers. Ive been clean for over a year now and i have my bipolar disorder mostly under control. I have a decent job and i rent a house with one of my best friends.
Considering where i was a year ago (homeless, high, ect) i should be happy that i am where i am right now, but the hatred for myself never seems to go away.
Ever since i got served with papers i have struggled with more suicidal thoughts than i ever have before. And with how much i am into the paranormal world and being a catholic i dont want to end up in purgatory, but i just want to leave so bad. I want everything to go black… i dont want to be stuck i just dont want to be here anymore.
I guess it doesnt help that my mother is out of her mind crazy.. one minute telling me she loves me, the next telling me im worthless… what am i supposed to believe? ive done nothing but fail her and the rest of my family. I am 26 years old as of friday and im a sorry excuse for a daughter. I am obviously a horrible mother. And all i care about is being with my son. He is my reason for living and breathing every day.
I have nothing else to live for.. nobody else needs me except for him. And she is starting to convince me that he nor anybody else really needs my presence.
I thought this trip would be a great escape for me, but it turns out she is the same here as she is at home and apparently so am i. Why is it that my life is so calm… depressing, but calm, when she isnt around but the minute im around her my suicidal thoughts take over? she my mama… shes supposed to make me feel better but she does just the opposite and so much more.
I battle my thoughts every day… I work so hard to keep my head together… but its moment like this that just make me feel like none of it is worth it.
wtf is the point
for once, i just want my mom to be normal. maybe hug me and give words of comfort.
Instead im alone, being yelled at, and feeling more and more motivation to just do what ive been wanting to do for so long.