I woke up screaming early this morning from a bad dream. In the dream, I was traveling down a road with my dog when a large black bear appeared at the end of the street. My dog, being the brave little idiot that he is, charged the bear. In the dream, I was screaming at him to come to me so that I could protect him from the bear. Of course, he wouldn’t listen and the bear was snarling and swiping at him with his huge paws. I was terrified that the bear was going to kill my dog.
I finally got my dog away from the bear and ran to my car, which was about 100ft away. With the bear close behind, opening the driver’s side door to escape wasn’t an option, so I leapt across the hood of the car and jumped in the front passenger seat. Just before I could press the button to lock the doors, the bear opened the back passenger door and crawled onto the seat.
Knowing that my escape had failed, I tried again to flee. As I opened the door, my dog jumped from my lap and re-engaged in his attack against the bear. I was screaming at my dog to get away from the bear, but he would not relent.
Then, I woke up screaming. As I did, to my surprise, I wasn’t screaming out my dog’s name. Instead, I was screaming out my wife’s name. After thinking about it for a few minutes, I realized the bear in the nightmare represented my greatest fear, which was losing those I love. The dog in the dream represented my love for those I cherish.
I couldn’t sleep after that, so I put my dog in my truck and drove to a local cove. Eight or so boats were lined up close together at the end of the boat launch. They were getting ready to head out for a fishing trip. The sun was breaking the horizon. The sky and the water were a beautiful, but not-too-bright reddish gold.
It was a new, gorgeous day, full of promise and hope and my eyes were welling up with tears. I miss her so much. I did love her. I wish more than anything that she didn’t need to leave. I pray for death every day. I’m a hollow shell of my former self without her. Please take me soon God. I don’t want to be here without her.
22 comments
wow, this story honestly gave me chills, what deep insight. I think everyone is afraid of those things, which can also abet others to abandon their cherished pertinents out of fear of losing them without the choice to lose them. It’s wonderful that you have such a strong protective instinct which shows how much you care or have the capacity to care, that’s truly beautiful.
I’m terribly sorry to hear about your wife, i can’t imagine that kind of heartbreak, it will be okay (hugs) I hate to say it, but I think you’re subconsciously glorifying her because of her absence, there are so many other people in the world and I’m absolutely certain there are individuals that are similar if not identical to your wife in terms of being loving, wonderful people who you are compatible with. Try to look at things objectively 🙂 She’s not the only one, keep your eyes open, take this as an opportunity to set your sights on a new person that embodies the qualities you desire in a person such as loyalty which your former wife did not have. Rock on 🙂
did I really just say ‘it will be okay’? lol so sorry about that, i wasn’t thinking. What I meant to imply was that things will get better the more you forgive yourself and your wife and take time to heal by reflecting on what happened and learning how you can avoid those kind of circumstances in the future
Yeah – I can now see why people avoid or leave relationships when they get too serious. I always thought those people were selfish or just chicken. In reality, they were just trying to keep from being badly damaged.
Thanks for your words of encouragement.
Sometimes you gotta roll the dice
Oh – I have no problem rolling the dice. That part was great fun. Tis the letting go part that got me. That part sucks badly. Didn’t realize how difficult that part would be. If I’d known how difficult that part would be, I wouldn’t have ever rolled the dice in the first place. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. Have to figure out how to get that mess out of my head. It even attacks me in my sleep.
I know it was only a dream, but that’s a trademark of a good dog, and is known to happen in real life. A good dog will not hesitate to lay down its life to protect its humans, even if only to give them a chance to escape, even if it knows the enemy beast is much larger and more powerful. It really upsets me when people treat dogs like mere objects. They are living, feeling, thinking beings, and often display characteristics deserving of respect and admiration.
I’ve had similar dreams where i was freaking out because my dog had dutifully thrown himself into harm’s way trying to protect me… and i’ve woken up calling his name at least once.
I dread the day that it’s just me. And i don’t want to get another one because it’s too painful to lose them, when they’re all you have… and because you can’t explain suicide or accidents or illness to a dog. All they know is their person is suddenly gone and never returns.
Yup. That’s exactly how I feel. I’ve had the same thoughts many times. My little man is like an angel sent from above. Love him with everything in me. I don’t think dogs fair well after they lose their best friends either (us). That’s enough to keep me going.
ouch, CN, that comment actually hit me in the gut. I’ve had a small dog for over 4 years and she is the center of my life in terms of people I appreciate and interact with in real life and who I spend most of my time with. From my experience, I agree, dogs are the most wonderful things, most of them are so sweet and innocent, they aren’t as complex as humans and their simplicity is what makes them even more favorable, it’s hard trying to understand or have others understand you at times, dogs just take it as it is. they provide such good company and are almost always goodnatured, i think that kind of optimism that a dog’s ambiance projects is healthy and beneficial to anyone. dogs are just so loving and kind, i love dogs lol i don’t think any animal or any sentient creature should be objectified as that leads to desensitivity and prone to abuse
I was a little conflicted about having posted that. I wanted to express it, but i realized it was a bit heavy. Wasn’t trying to punch anyone with it. 😛
He’s an amazing dog, but his story has been a real tear-jerker. I’ve literally raised him since birth, but allowed him to spend the nursing/rearing period w/ his siblings. He’s had a lot of problems that were beyond my control and not anyone’s fault, but he’s been a real trooper. I could not have asked for a better dog; only a healthier one. Close enough.
Anyway… after 11 years, i’m rather attached (heh, i was attached from the start). With his issues, i don’t expect a whole lot more time with him… but he’s not exactly on his last leg just yet either. 😉
…
I sometimes think that the part of his eventual absence that will bother me the most will be the lack of his smells and sounds. He’s always been highly vocal, and has always had these uncommonly pleasant odors and aromas… kinda like an un-smoked chocolate cigar, or something. I could almost sit around sniffing him like a fresh bag of nugs. lol. (though he’s certainly not nearly as pungent as that)
So will you be too afraid to roll the dice in the future? Will you be too afraid to feel that “fun” part again, with the chance of losing it all again?
You know how many times I’ve lost my life and everything I’ve fought for?
It sucks but.. I’m a simple man, and I have a simple way of looking at it I guess. And my experience has shown me that.. Shit happens and when it does you have to move on and roll again!i say this to you with tears in my eyes, but strength in my heart.
I know it’s hard
Nothing scares me more than relationships now. I’ve been avoiding them for quite some time. I’ve been on my own for years and have pushed everyone out of my life. Except for online relationships, I’ve isolated myself. I know that’s not supposed to be a good thing, but that’s what happened. I stay home except for when I have to go to work or to the store. I don’t like being out and about or around others much. I have a list of excuses to avoid invites for get togethers. I’m an introvert too, so I don’t get lonely. It’s not that I don’t like people – I just can’t get over how badly it hurt to have to let go. I’ve never been affected so horribly by anything. I used to repeatedly beg God for death and break down multiple times a day. I can’t go through something like that again.
I personally would have loved to roll the dice again… but they threw me out of the casino.
That’s why you have to disguise yourself and go back in under an alias
Use “clevername”, they will eat it up!
….of course I’m talking about getting laid!
But you already know that!
CN’s new alias should be cleverbang. wit and dick game both in one is sure to be a hit
lol. Honestly, i haven’t even cared about sex (or the lack thereof) much at all lately. And i suppose i hadn’t even noticed that until just now.
I’m in “ineligible bachelor” mode. Perpetually.
But not only am i ineligible, i also can’t seem to find anyone i really like all that much. Then again, i kinda stopped looking too.
@Clevername-
I feels ya bro!
I just can’t get turned on by any girl right now. It’s just not on my mind.
I hope nothing’s wrong with me…
Anyways.. I’ve been feeling a bit intimidated by women lately too, sexually.. Hoping that’s all a figment of my imagination too.
Having said that…
@stendarr-
Is that your picture behind that alien?
Idk why straight blond hair like that makes me want to just grab a fist full and give it a yank! 😉 hehe
I get that too, RT3 (the intimidation). When she found out that I was on my own, a girl that I used to date contacted me. She REALLY wanted to have a thing with me. I went on three dates with her and couldn’t take it anymore, so I broke it off. The anxiety and fear of what might happen was too overwhelming. I liked her a lot and she was the sweetest thing to me.
I apologized profusely and tried to get her to understand that I was psychologically unable to deal with anything approaching a relationship. I knew deep down that that was what she was looking for and felt horrible for having even dated her a few times. I’m really careful now to put off anti-vibes if I think something like that is brewing in my life. I realized after that that I have to be right up front about not wanting to date or get into anything.
@FOL- not me, my friend!
When a girl decides she wants to like me or even love me..if I feel it for her.. I’m gonna let her in to my life, no sweat. Cuz it might be my last chance..ya know?
My issues have been with needing a girl who truly cares for me enough to help me out by having job and doing the cooking and such, watching out for my health etc. I didn’t get that from my last relationship cuz I thought it needed time to grow. But that time is gone now. I’m gonna be a better man and move on, as soon as possible and as soon as I’m good and ready. I recommend you find courage to do the same.
@RT
yea it’s me, ooh kinky
my favorite kink is giving me money
Ah…priorities firmly grounded, I see
louboutins don’t pay for themselves 🙁