I don’t feel sorry for myself. I am living life as I think I’m suppose to. I do feel hopeless, but it’s in a new kind of way. I don’t dwell on it like I once did. I really feel “ok”. I’ve accepted it.
I still have small feel goods, but they go as quickly as they come. I feel annoyed and agitated quite often, but usually with one person in particular. I am anxious more than anything… I can’t seem to shake it. It is destroying my life… ME. I tried so hard to fit in, do my best, be a good mom, friend, person, employee… still trying, but I don’t fit. I don’t fit only because of my own mind. I don’t feel like I will ever be happy. I fake it for almost everyone. I don’t fake it very well. People can see right through me. I don’t think I can fix what/who I am. I am someone that I never wanted to be. What happened to me? I’m thinking about suicide more often lately. The only reason I haven’t done it is because of my son. He is still young enough that it wouldn’t effect him. He would miss me in his own little way now, but as he grows up he will only know life as it is. I don’t think it is something that I will do today or tomorrow. I just want to feel like me again…
6 comments
He would do more than miss you. People can go many ways about their lives and I’m glad to see that you’ve thought of your child ahead of time. I don’t know you and I don’t know what’s making you feel this way, but I’m jealous. Not because of a mutual
Feeling but because you have a baby. My dream is to have someone that needs me that way. You’re so lucky and I know it doesn’t feel that way, but you are. Maybe you’ll feel better, maybe not, but today, you’ve won the battle against yourself. Rejoice.
I think I’m reading this right… I can understand what you mean. I don’t have anyone else in this world that I matter to other than him. It’s my own fault though. I have isolated myself over the years. Separated myself from everyone that I love and anyone who loved me. I do feel better than yesterday. The thing that scares me is that I thought about suicide for almost 6 days. I’ve never thought about suicide that long. I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself. I know better than to do it. I am waiting to see if things will improve… I’ve been waiting for a long time. If it counts for anything, your post makes me feel like achieved a small victory…
I don’t agree that your leaving wouldn’t affect your son, no matter how young he is. That’s crazy. Anyway, I’m glad that you want to feel like you again. There is every chance that you will, and the fact that you still have small ‘feelgoods’ should indicate that there is hope.
Thank you. I have been working on feeling better for years. Things just aren’t getting better. My life has improved drastically, but it’s me that isn’t better. No matter what happens, I still feel the same way. I feel stupid and guilty because I shouldn’t feel this way. What is really that bad? Nothing. I can’t help it though. The feelings are as strong as ever, if not worse. This makes me feel like there is no chance of recovery. I don’t know what to do anymore because I’m tired of feeling this way.
Prescription drugs are simply prolonged torture. I know it’s a stupid question but have you tried switching around your routine, diet, people in your life? Natural supplements? You might actually have a chemical issue leading to your depression. It’s an over diagnosed “disease” and everyone and their fkn mom is on antidepressants. I wouldn’t recommend them. They’re expensive, dangerous (side effects for antidepressants include depression, suicidal thoughts/behaviors, and changing your brain chemistry forever), and not very effective. Believe me, i work in a pharmacy. They make you numb so you won’t feel any highs or lows. Like I said, prolonged torture. Do something unlike yourself. Maybe you’ll feel a little different.
This is disappointing to hear. Have you taken them yourself? I was thinking about trying medication if all else failed… I moved and changed everything about my life except for the people who came with me. This was almost 1 year ago. I have tried to continue to do things that I “love”… adventurous things. It doesn’t help…