No kid is better off without their parents, specially if they are loving parents like you seem to do in your case, according to your story. And being old isn’t an indicator of never being able to be loved again, i’ve seen people find “the one” in really later stages of their life (60, even 70+). You have a good reason to fight it out like you say (the love for your children) and if you got accepted into that university… i’d say the best thing you could do is leave your fear aside and give it your best. It might be a good needed change in your life (without counting the work possibilities afterwards) just based on the experience on itself. In any case i wish you the best of luck on whatever you decide to do.
TBH you sound like my ideal women given my current circumstances. You’re also coming off as a rather logical person (which I find attractive), though you seem to be prone to illogical things (like drinking).
Honestly, I think (at least soon) that people should have to apply to some kind of a test before they can have children. This would prevent tons of people from growing up wrong. If only my parents did this and failed, I wouldn’t have to spend so much time working on nested issues.
You sound like a good person and mother despise some rather poor choices. And without sounding like a quack, it sounds as if you were plopping out kids hoping they would cause a “change” to you or your life.
Instead you should have been looking inward and evaluating yourself. What you really want, what is the real issue here, etc, etc.
“I love my children so much. So goddamned much. They are all I have left. But they’d be better off without me. I know in my heart that they would have a better shot at being healthy adults if I just went away. So that’s what I’m going to do.”
If my mother had this mentality, I can confirm I would be better off. However, the fact that you are stating this clearly shows you are aware of the problem, and maybe that is enough to change?
If I can be somewhat attracted to your writing style (lol), then I’m sure someone is capable of loving you — in fact I’m positive. You’ve proved proof of concept twice now, even if it was short or ended bad.
I know how you feel. When you have been down so long the idea of rising up seems as pointless as it is futile. The problem with killing yourself is you are eliminating the probability of future happiness, however bleak or miniscule that may currently seem.
Mmmm….in your scenario I think the only answer is to become more aware. Evaluate what you want, whats stopping you, why you actually drink; what path, course or action will bring more happiness than you are currently experiencing. Then obviously take some kind of action towards achieving it.
I’ll be my divorce lawyer’s fee you’re younger than I am. When I went to graduate school I was plagued by sheer terror. My best friend drove me to the airport and while I was wailing in inconsolably in the back seat she was laughing — laughing — because she was so horrified at how distraught I was. She’s a social worker, and an awesome one at that. I had three years’ sobriety then. You’re going to college to pursue a career in which you will be of service to people who are suffering. This is an extraordinary accomplishment. Just the fact that you applied is a major feat. Keep it simple. One day at a time.
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No kid is better off without their parents, specially if they are loving parents like you seem to do in your case, according to your story. And being old isn’t an indicator of never being able to be loved again, i’ve seen people find “the one” in really later stages of their life (60, even 70+). You have a good reason to fight it out like you say (the love for your children) and if you got accepted into that university… i’d say the best thing you could do is leave your fear aside and give it your best. It might be a good needed change in your life (without counting the work possibilities afterwards) just based on the experience on itself. In any case i wish you the best of luck on whatever you decide to do.
TBH you sound like my ideal women given my current circumstances. You’re also coming off as a rather logical person (which I find attractive), though you seem to be prone to illogical things (like drinking).
Honestly, I think (at least soon) that people should have to apply to some kind of a test before they can have children. This would prevent tons of people from growing up wrong. If only my parents did this and failed, I wouldn’t have to spend so much time working on nested issues.
You sound like a good person and mother despise some rather poor choices. And without sounding like a quack, it sounds as if you were plopping out kids hoping they would cause a “change” to you or your life.
Instead you should have been looking inward and evaluating yourself. What you really want, what is the real issue here, etc, etc.
“I love my children so much. So goddamned much. They are all I have left. But they’d be better off without me. I know in my heart that they would have a better shot at being healthy adults if I just went away. So that’s what I’m going to do.”
If my mother had this mentality, I can confirm I would be better off. However, the fact that you are stating this clearly shows you are aware of the problem, and maybe that is enough to change?
If I can be somewhat attracted to your writing style (lol), then I’m sure someone is capable of loving you — in fact I’m positive. You’ve proved proof of concept twice now, even if it was short or ended bad.
I know how you feel. When you have been down so long the idea of rising up seems as pointless as it is futile. The problem with killing yourself is you are eliminating the probability of future happiness, however bleak or miniscule that may currently seem.
Mmmm….in your scenario I think the only answer is to become more aware. Evaluate what you want, whats stopping you, why you actually drink; what path, course or action will bring more happiness than you are currently experiencing. Then obviously take some kind of action towards achieving it.
“You’ve proved proof of concept twice now, even if it was short or ended bad.”
^ exactly what i was thinking. Going from 0 to 1, and 1 to 2, must be far more difficult than from 2 to 3. It should be like riding a bike by now.
One is infinitely greater than zero. Two is only twice as much as one. Three is only 50% more than two.
I’ll be my divorce lawyer’s fee you’re younger than I am. When I went to graduate school I was plagued by sheer terror. My best friend drove me to the airport and while I was wailing in inconsolably in the back seat she was laughing — laughing — because she was so horrified at how distraught I was. She’s a social worker, and an awesome one at that. I had three years’ sobriety then. You’re going to college to pursue a career in which you will be of service to people who are suffering. This is an extraordinary accomplishment. Just the fact that you applied is a major feat. Keep it simple. One day at a time.
*I’ll bet my divorce lawyer’s fee…”
Keep coming back.