So I am just done. Done with life, done with daily strife, just done. This morning I went out to my car, ready to start a fresh new day at work. I get there and start my car. Smoke starts pouring out of the front and back of the car and it won’t move. I end up having to call a tow truck to come get my car and calling out of work since I had no car to get into work with. And I had no PTO. So now I am worried about losing my job. I take my car to a mechanic, who is in another city, who tells me that it will take till tomorrow to look at. My Mom come and picks me up. She begins to berate me with all the things that I need to do so I can see how I will be able to pay for my car, and begins going through a rolodex of what I did wrong in my life and how I have gotten myself financially to this point of no return. We get to my parents’ house and I need to wait until my Mom is done with her errand so I may borrow her car. She comes back and then my Dad comes in fresh from a business trip. We go outside and then he begins to berate me for not having saved PTO so I can have the day off paid. I then come home and immediately start to want to kill myself. I am just done, depressed, and over it. I can’t see a counselor because I need to pay off medical bills, and I don’t want the help. My friends and family seem over it, and I am sure my co-workers are as well. My Dad at one point has even told me that if I attempt suicide, I will go it alone. A few weeks ago, I wrapped a rope around my neck and began pulling, suffocating myself. I almost went through with it, but couldn’t. Now I just wish I had done it, or that I take one of my syringes, fill it with air, and inject an air bubble into my vein. Or that I sliced my wrists open and let the blood drain out as I lay in bed. I am just such a failure, and I am truly believing that when God or whatever deity is out there healed me from cancer, they made a big mistake.
Considering Ending It All
5 comments
Don’t make assumptions that people don’t care, i did and i was wrong. You are not alone, however much of hard time you are having don’t give up.
That’s terrible that your parents would say those things to you. It’s always amazing to me when people who should be the most supportive fail to fulfill their end of that deal.
Very true. My father likes to tell me that I have “nothing” to be depressed about…. People I have been hospitalized with and people on SP write about not having money and I am not trying to minimize the effect that no money has on a person and their family BUT having money doesn’t fix things either. I swear money doesn’t fix things.
This is true, money can cause people more problems than not having any sometimes.
I don’t think that we can rate peoples’ problems, whether they’re financial issues, social problems, family problems or whatnot. What leads one to be depressed enough to feel suicidal is always more complex than just one issue anyways. Usually when someone one SP posts about a relationship gone bad or some other problem and says that they want to end it all, I find people will comment and say how that isn’t a reason to end it or will try to judge somehow if in fact the person has adequate reason to feel suicidal. The thing that bothers me about that is that it isn’t the relationship gone bad or whatever problem in most cases that is leading the person to think about suicide. That’s just the trigger, the straw that broke the camels’ back. There’s a whole background of issues in each one of us that makes us less able to deal with lifes problems that other people are seemingly better equiped to handle.
I don’t know if that even made sense, but I just felt the need to try to say what I felt. I posted yesterday about money issues, but really that is just the proverbial straw that broke the camels back for me. If that was the only issue I was having and if I was in a better place mentally, maybe I could tough through it. Just saying…