Most people in life have many people who would miss them… I have 1.
My entire life reads like a greek tragedy. First my mother didn’t want me and gave me health problems in an attempt to abort, then my siblings abused me physically (and sexually in one case), Then as I grew older the abuse got worse when we moved by my grandfather. My dad was never really around, and my family didn’t want, need, or had any wish to even see me… my mother would leave me places in the hopes I’d get taken and only my sister seemed to care (she was much much older than me) no one at school liked me because I was shy and when the abuse started to come to light with the school I was pulled out of school and my grandfather (then a chief of the local police department with many friends in high places) managed to get it swept under the rug… so in high school I was alone as my sister no longer lived with us.
I eventually met my wife when I was 16 and married here at 19… that was 12 years ago. and for the first time things looked up at least for a little while.
but then my sister died… 2 of my friends… my best friends, chose a military life and one of them died, and the other I haven’t heard from in months and sometimes I don’t hear from him for far too long.
Found out in 2009 that the abuse when I was younger had broken my back in 3 places and caused permanent spinal cord trauma and I lost my ability to walk for the most part. and have been in constant pain since that year… five years this august of daily pain. that year after the surgery I suffered a stroke as well so have short term memory loss issues. with all of this I was unable to return to work so I ended up loosing contact with my co-workers and friends from work.
over the last four years my wife has grown more and more distant and frustrated with having to care for me by doing the things that I can not physically do and so my depression, guilt, and weight has grown. I have a care giver but there are just some things you don’t really want a stranger doing for you…
And so here I am… I’m broken, unwanted by family, no longer with really any friends, in constant pain spending nearly every day alone locked inside a house due to not being able to drive due to stroke, or be out very long due to pain, and lastly slowly loosing the one person who I’m struggling so hard to live for…
I feel so guilty about being such a burden to her and I don’t want to live anymore… I haven’t for a very long time.
I remember in my teens sneaking outside and praying for hours on end begging god to just take me and let me die quickly while tears streamed down my face because I was too much a coward and was afraid to do it because I was afraid that I’d screw that up too… but he didn’t answer then and he doesn’t answer now…
The only thing that has changed since then is now I’m only holding off doing it for her… but I don’t want to hurt anymore, I don’t want to be afraid to wake up because of pain, I don’t want to be in pain, and I don’t want to be alone anymore… I want my wife to love me like she used to before the surgeries, I don’t want her to resent me for needing her help…
but mostly I just don’t want to live anymore…
And now I’ve finally got it out there.
2 comments
You are sweet, Dan. If I was your wife, more than anything what would cause me to rip my hair out would be the word “burden” which you choose to use to describe yourself. I don’t know you, but I am certain that you aren’t.. and telling yourself that isn’t helping anyone. You need to stop telling yourself to believe in that lie and be the man that your wife needs you to be.
If you need her to take care of you because of your health, you need to try and take care of her. Everyone has problems that they keep to themselves, and when it gets to the point where a person has to constantly look after another who only thinks of him/herself and how he/she is horrible all of the time.. then it is just plain too much to much to handle. Without mutual care, the person caring for the other will start to self-neglect and will ultimately be miserable – because of all of the years of giving with nothing in return.
I know you’re in pain, but just the smallest “just because” things can go a long way. It shows your appreciation, your graciousness and your love towards another. And it doesn’t even have to be anything special, it could be completely mundane tasks such as opening the door or making a cup of coffee in the morning.. but if done with gently with care and affection, your wife will undoubtedly know that you love her (: And I’m sure that’s no problem for a man like yourself.
You really do need to get rid of that self-depreciating habit though. If your faults are a problem, others will tell you so – more specifically the ones who care for you. Putting yourself down is only going to make you spiral further and further into misery – and for a loved one, it is really hard to watch and deal with especially if they desperately want to help but cannot.
You may think that ending your life is the answer but ultimately, if you’re cared for enough.. the people who care for you are going to feel the blood on their hands for not being good enough to help/save you.
I hope your situation improves, and you should remember that 1 is more than a lot of people have so you really shouldn’t take that for granted. One person who really loves you unlike any other can be worth more than 10 who will only miss you when you’re gone.
Sorry for the long comment, there was actually plenty more that I had to say s: But in general, your wife wants to feel like that she’s done her job right at the end of the day – and that is what’s going to make her happy.
I actually know a fella who was widowed, remarried and have his second wife become permanently paralyzed from a stroke not long after marriage (well less than 10 years). He can’t talk to her, and he practically has to do everything for her since she can’t move.. and yes it is hard for him and you can see the pain all over his face, but it’s been many, many years and I honestly believe that he still loves her to be able to go to such lengths.