Firefly In

I don’t even know where to begin.

I don’t even know if this website is still active.

I just, there’s some thing weird going on inside me and I don’t know how to explain it.

I’ve been suffering for 6 years, depression and anxiety. PTSD.

I sometimes feel like I’m getting better, but then suddenly… I’m just not.

I don’t want to die, but I feel misplaced here. I find myself crying to go home… but I am home. I’m in my bedroom, but I still cry for home. Home is where the heart is, but where is my heart?

I hope I don’t violate the rules on this website. Please, forgive me if I do, I’m trying not to.

I’ve spent six years of my life dying. I attempted suicide ridiculous amounts of time, and it’s still a notion I fight against everyday. I can’t self harm anymore because my arm is already full of thick scars and stitches.

I feel sick and I don’t see any other way anymore. There’s so much stress in my life and I can’t deal with it anymore, and you know what? My school and my family says this is normal. It’s going to be stressful.

My head hurts all the time, I feel tired all the time, I have no interest in any activities anymore. I want my mum. I want to be looked after and held. I want my 6 years of childhood that I missed out on. I’m not ready to be an adult, I’m not ready to do all of this work. I want to be a little girl again.

I’m forcing myself to be something I’m not because there’s no choice. Society won’t let you be who you want to be. We live our lives for others. We will grow, learn and become. We are pushed to do careers and earn money all for other people. We are given perks of money to keep us producing a healthy economy. We live a life of selflessness.

Trying not to cry so I don’t ruin my make-up and look like I’ve been crying. This pain in my chest, is simply unbearable. The tears in my throat and the sadness that has taken over my body. I have to go out there and be something, someone I’m not. Why is it so hard for me to understand life and death? How can death be such a great solution? It’s scary, you will no longer regret or learn from your mistakes or think about school or your family or your work or anything. You are gone. How can you just end like that? All of this turmoil and thoughts and feelings just gone? It’s like dreamless sleep, only there is no confidence in waking up. And you can’t think.

I have to go to work now. I was never made to live, and I will never live.

I’ll write more when I get home.

Firefly out.